Friday, August 5, 2011

We have letters

Dear little kid,

The fact that you feel guilty for laughing at your dog while he tries to eat peanut butter is making me question my sense of humor. I mean, is it bad to laugh at a dog while he eats a live baby squirrel? Cause if that’s the case...

Columbia City Paper  

Dear car,

When I vowed to drive you until you totally died, I thought I was being economical, not making a freakin’ life choice. How many more hundreds of thousands of miles can you go? I haven’t had AC since the ‘90s! I’m the only guy I know with a tape deck. Fifteen years worth of dents have left you looking like a demolition derby car, parts of you are held on with wire hangers and bungee cords and your “Check Engine Soon” light has been glowing for six months. We’ve had a good run and I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!

Columbia City Paper

Dear raunchy sex scene,

Though I could generally take or leave you while watching a movie on my own, there is nothing more uncomfortable or slower to pass than a mid-movie sex scene when you’re catching a DVD with your parents or in-laws. What’s a person to do when there’s a man’s bobbing ass in hi-def less than 10 feet from the saintly eyes of ones grandmother?  Does one just stare numbly at the screen? Look away and say something witty to break the ice and/or try to make casual sports conversation with one’s father-in-law? Is there any amount of popcorn one can shove into his mouth when his mother innocently asks what “reverse cowgirl” means?

Columbia City Paper

Dear Niko Alm,

We laud your creativity and balls for fighting the Austrian government to allow you to wear a pasta strainer on your head as religious headgear of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I just can’t believe they subjected you to a mental evaluation. Believe Moses had a conversation with a burning bush? Throw on a yarmulke and say “cheese.” Believe that a multi-armed god with an elephant’s head will get you a better deal on that car you’re thinking of buying? Wrap that Pagri and smile. An agnostic with a sense of humor? You must submit to a mental exam. Riiiight.

Columbia City Paper

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