Haleyscopes

Aires

You will go from folding chinos for the Banana Republic to folding dolla dolla bills for me. That’s what I call job creation, bitches.

Aquarius

While painting your toenails, you will realize you don’t give a fuck about a grocery tax.

 

Taurus

You will have a dream in which you show up to the polls naked. In the dream, the poll workers begin to grope you and then stop when they realize you don’t have your voter registration card.

 

Gemini

You fail to get serious and be nice in the seventh grade. The rest of your life will be shit. Nice job Fuck-o.

 

Cancer

You will refuse an offer for the Vice Presidency because you just can’t do it like Dick did it. He did it sooooo good.

 

Leo

You will just start dancing one day and you won’t stop. People will begin to talk and your name will spread all the way to the great hills of North Carolina.

 

Virgo

You will accidentally identify yourself as white on your voter registration. Don’t worry. You’ll still remember to tell brown people you’re brown when you’re campaigning for their votes.

 

Libra

While making out with your cousin at a family reunion, you will finally learn what true love is.

 

Pisces

You will cause Jesus and Waheguru to get into an epic brawl for your immortal soul. Lasers will be blasted. Fireballs will be thrown. At the end of the day, the only man left standing will be Joseph Smith.

 

Scorpio

The ghost of Strom Thurmond will feel you up at a séance and you will weirdly like it.

 

Sagittarius

The Free Will Baptist Church picnic just won’t be the same without Pastor Dale, this year. The kids loved him!

 

Capricorn

You will be jailed and remanded to foster care for hanging out at Five Points after curfew. Your real parents won’t care. They just want you to be safe.     *Haleyscopes are not really written by Governor Haley