Haleyscopes

Aires

You will start issuing all of the people at your office report card grades, causing them to lynch you.

Aquarius

You will bend a child over and sign your name on his back in front of a New York Times photographer.

Taurus

After a series of bad decisions, gays will turn your name into shit and semen.

Gemini

You will unexpectedly hadooken a man in a bar fight (killing him instantly) and spend the rest of your years in prison.

Cancer

President Obama will try to take all your airplanes away from you but I won’t let him.

Leo

A gang of illegal immigrant babies will steal your shoes. Later police will pull them over and deport them. But you won’t ever get those shoes back….they were nice.

Virgo

After my new immigration bill takes effect, the West Columbia Chicken Plant will be airlifted to Juarez. Thanks to NAFTA, our eggs will still be cheap and delicious.

Libra

You’ll feel a little Sikh, but the doctor will diagnose you as suffering from a mild case of Methodism.

Pisces

You and Sarah Palin will get caught spending taxpayer money on fake tans and bleached assholes. She’s soooooo fun!

Scorpio

You’ll have a wet dream about Joe Biden. Neither your pastor nor your husband will find it in their hearts to forgive you.

Sagittarius

You’ll get drunk and sign up for the Marines to go liberate the Libyans…or kill Quaddafi…er, Gaddaffi. Wait, what?

Capricorn

You, Steve Benjamin and Jim Clyburn will get thrown out of Bottoms Up for trying to finger the talent.  Fuck it, you guys don’t care…

*Haleyscopes are not really written by Governor Haley