Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Dear St. Patrick’s Day costume guy,

Dear Four Loko ban,
Sipping what very well may be the last Four Loko in town, I can’t help but wonder why, when it comes to tightening the screws on grown folks’ personal freedom, our policymakers can pass laws virtually overnight. Yet, legitimate legislation (i.e. the stuff voters actually want and need) gets deadlocked for years. Makes one wonder what kind of political sleight of hand you’re up to. Maybe if you pass these headline-grabbing morality laws with one hand, you can slip in the more nefarious legislation for your corporate bosses under the table with the other. Like the clown who is wasting valuable time and ink during a state budget crisis to soapbox about the need for tougher laws against soliciting prostitution. Who cares? Why not talk about the massive tax cuts you’re giving Amazon for their new distribution warehouse?
Look, at the end of the day, I don’t need some stuffed suit to tell me what I should or shouldn’t ingest. If you ask me, you should drop these “for the safety of the children” witch-hunts, sashay that little bowtie back to your office, and do some real work. When we need a highway repaved, we’ll let you know.
Columbia City Paper

Dear St. Patrick’s Day costume guy,
We see scores of you guys at the St. Patty’s Day festival every year. Shirtless with green body paint smeared by the spilled beer dripping down your sunburned fish belly, rainbow wig jerked askew, glazed eyes staring from behind cheap novelty sunglasses, you stagger through the trash-strewn streets calling out for a ride that left you two hours ago. “So what now?” you mumble aloud to a stranger. Our answer: man up and rally, dude. The sun is still out. You might as well funnel another beer, take a quick dump in front of Sid n’ Nancy and hit a bar. Your night is just getting started!
Columbia City Paper

Dear S.C. state employees who voted for Haley,
We have been puzzled for years by middle class and working poor voters who continue to vote Republican. At first, we thought it was the classic conservative/morality swindle they used to trick you with back in the day. But, even baboons have the capacity to realize when they’re being hoodwinked. We’re starting to think it’s more of a weird South Carolina sadomasochism thing; you know, the type of people who get erections while being punched in the face. So, you state employees who voted for Haley must really be titillated from the news that your employee benefits and pension plans are up on the budgetary chopping block next. (Of course, being state employees themselves, you won’t see a cut to benefits for state legislators.)
“Ooooewwww, yeeah, you like me taking your children’s insurance coverage? Huh? Mmmm. Now, bend over and take that extra furlough week. Yesss! Just like that. We’re gonna keep those tax cuts in place for big business and pound you like a Wisconsin school teacher! And you’ll continue to vote for us reptiles forever because you’re a baadddd little lackey, aren’t you?! Yessss you are.”
Columbia City Paper

Dear lady with eight-inch long fingernails,
Those nails are certainly exotic. (Well, in the same way a hissing poisonous centipede is exotic). But, at what price? You just had to ask a stranger to open that can of soda for you. I shudder to think what it’s like to try to dress yourself. And, on the flip side of that disturbing coin, your love life has to be like something out of Ripley’s. I can only imagine them clacking, bug-like, until whatever male is in the room quickly covers his Johnson and backs out the door.
Well, I guess at least they work as chop sticks in a pinch. Can’t really think of what else they’d be useful for.
Columbia City Paper

Dear Governor Haley,
We hope you enjoyed the round of Guinness City Paper bought for you a few weeks ago at Thirsty Fellows.  Now let’s talk about some possible legislation we would like you to introduce.  Bill H. 777 would require all local businesses to advertise exclusively in  locally-owned newspapers.  (We haven’t denounced our citizenship yet; we are saving that for your presidential bid.)  Bill H. 666 would make the stealing of newspaper racks punishable by lethal injection. We would also like a special clause to address the racks purchased by City Paper from Greenville’s The Beat when they went out of business.  Most of these ended up with “Free Times” signs on them, and we would like the punishment for this offense to be a curse placed on the children of anyone employed by Portico Publications—with an exception for eight employees who were fired in Augusta by chicken-shit administration via speaker phone last week.  Finally, Bill H. 6969 would require central registration and mammogram of all single women aged 22-30 at City Paper offices on Main Street.
Columbia City Paper

Dear Belinda Gergle,
I am sitting at a “bia hoy” in a small town called Nihn Bin, Vietnam.  I have had 15 beers since I woke this morning and stumbled through busy streets with no traffic signs.  I had an open container and walked into the street where 150 mopeds, cars and bikes passed without hitting me, one of which had 300 live ducks and a goat on the handle bars—although I was pretty drunk; that goat could have been State Senator Knotts.
Should I be drinking another beer right now?  I am not sure it’s a good idea.  (Thank God someone else edits these letters for me!)  But Columbia City Council does things that are pretty stupid practically every council meeting so, who are you to judge?  Futhermore, if a communist regime allows me such freedoms, what’s my incentive to return to Five Points to be harassed by homeless and police.  I’ll take my chances in this third-world country.
It is my body…keep your paws and laws off my liver!
Columbia City Paper

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