Thursday, September 9, 2010

Rewind: Gov. Sanford's Horoscopes

Aries

An imminent philosopher once said, “pleasure is fleeting, herpes is forever.” Sadly, you’ll have a lifetime to brood over that phrase after your upcoming trip to Myrtle Beach.

Taurus

If the shoe fits wear it. If it stinks, spray it with Lysol.

Gemini

In 2052, greedy technocrats will require that all humans wishing to participate in the global super economy must be implanted with debit ID chips. You will balk at this, vow to grow your own food and become self-sustaining. But on a blustery August day, ozone layer long gong, you will curse yourself as you scratch at your wilted crops and admit: “Dang... I wish I’d have gotten that chip.”

Cancer

Get Darla to babysit! You done been so good to Ricky that he sold his snake tank to get y’all tickets to Kenny Chesney.

Leo

Your _______ (adjective) _________ (noun) will clear up after you ______ (adverb) _______ (verb) your _______ (noun). However, your proctologist will _______ (verb) when he sees the ________ (adjective), ______ (adjective) _______ (noun) that is oozing on your ______ (noun).

Virgo

Run away from your problems and don’t look back. Or just walk backwards quickly.

Libra

In a moment of weakness you will shack up with a mousy schoolteacher who possesses the kind of maniacal laugh that’s usually followed by an ax. She would hate to do hurtful, painful things to her pooki-wookie little maaaaaannn... SO SHUT UP AND HANG THOSE GODDAMNED CURTAINS!!!

Scorpio

It will suddenly dawn on you why every indie band gazes pensively off to the left in their promo photos: a very, very sad-looking squeaky toy.

Sagittarius

Tell women that you work at a bank. It’s a better pick-up line than “I park cars at Wachovia in Five Points after nine.”

Capricorn

Don’t let hay fever ruin your upcoming job interview. Human Resources departments are known for their compassion and will understand when you show up in goggles and a surgical mask.

Aquarius

Your class load is especially rough due to all the tests coming up. At least you got that important one completed last week. For your sake –and half of the Tri-Delt sorority—I hope the results come back negative.

Pisces

You have a primer-colored customized compact car that sounds like a weed eater. This weekend you will rev your engine at the corner of Greene and Harden as a courtship display to females and to ward off other competing bulls. But, the message you are really sending: “I have a small pee pee.”

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