Friday, September 24, 2010

Letters To The Reader

Dear Glenn McConnell “slave pic” controversy,

First and foremost, thank you, Sen. McConnell for unwittingly capturing a bizarre visual metaphor for life in present day South Carolina. Now, we’re not going to jump into the editorial fracas and charge overt racism here. If the National Federation of Republican Women had tried to hire servers to go full Kunta Kinte, it would be a different story. Lucky for McConnell, the couple in costume was from the Gullah-Geechee cultural group and they regularly dress in 19th Century garb for educational purposes. But all the debate over that photo is straying from the main point of concern, which should be this:

Sen. Glenn F. McConnell, the most powerful Republican legislator in our General Assembly... is a fucking Civil War reenactor.

Thank you and goodnight!

Actually, no, let that sink in for a moment. Ever wondered why –in spite of a national NAACP boycott and years of public outcry—the Confederate battle flag still flies over the capitol grounds today, one hundred and fifty years after South Carolina first shelled American troops at Fort Sumter? Well, for one, because the Senate President Pro Tem, who was instrumental in keeping the flag in full view, has such a chubby for the Confederacy that he dons a costume and reenacts the killing of federal soldiers, thus fulfilling some weird dress-up fantasy that he is an officer in a pro slavery militia. And, as long as McConnell, the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, salutes it and charges it into fake battle on the weekends, it’s a safe bet that the Stars n’ Bars are going to stay proudly flapping on Gervais Street until someone votes him and his buddies out.

Maybe someone could run against him on a renaissance fair ticket?

Columbia City Paper

Dear hippie morning commuter on Harden St.,

Requisite dreads and beadwork? Check. “Save the Trees,” “Coexist” and peace sign bumper stickers? Check. Blouse from recycled fabrics? Check. But, woah, hold on! You must have missed that memo about littering! Wow. Of all the cars stuck at this red light, yours was the last one I’d expect to be spewing cigarette butts from its windows. You just got your crocheted vegan cookbook satchel revoked, missy!

Columbia City Paper

Dear Hootie statue coming to Five Points,

Great idea! Recent violence and shootings in the area have sparked worries that a wankster element is slowly moving into Five Points. This Hootie and the Blowfish statue should be an instant fix. After all, what self-respecting group of thugs would kick it in front of a Hootie statue? That thing will be a virtual repellent to anyone under 35. Brilliant work!

Plus, for once, it’s a Five Points accoutrement that’s not funded by public money. Just be sure to put galoshes on it.

Columbia City Paper

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