Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Dear teetotalers,

Since alcohol is one of the major food groups for most print journalists, it is always a joy to report on medical research that reveals the health benefits of booze. A team from the University of Texas at Austin recently found that heavy drinkers tend to outlive abstainers, regardless of socioeconomic background, exercise, and other control factors. Notice we didn’t say a small glass of Merlot with dinner, we said heavy drinkers. Booze hounds. A bottle of Merlot for dinner. (Though moderate drinkers, it should be noted, outlived the lot of them.)

We’ve harped on such research in CCP for years now, strutting the case studies around like peacocks in front of wives and bosses who believe our tendency to leave weepy 4 a.m. voicemails or vomit in the waste basket before early morning meetings is somehow indicative of an unhealthy lifestyle. To the contrary! So ponder this when you’re jogging this evening and checking your wristband heart monitor: the hooker staggering down the sidewalk a few hundred yards up ahead will probably outlive you. Cheers!

Columbia City Paper

Dear atheists,

Thanks for the continuous stream of ruffled emails related to J. Pelikan Sarcophage’s essay on religious belief. For the record, this paper –in the Bible Belt, mind you—has spent the last five years railing against the evils that religion has bestowed upon the human species. And, now, after publishing one essay to hear the other side of the story, we are now listed on “fundamentalist” watch sites? Where are you guys when we lay an open handed chop to the Religious Right?

We simply get and respect J. Pelikan’s argument that denying the existence of “God” (in whatever nebulous way you want to define it) without having scoured every nook and cranny of this vast multidimensional universe is as arrogant and misguided as believing in said existence with no absolute proof to substantiate it. At the end of the day, we’re all just hairless primates that really don’t possess the technology or higher brain function to fully comprehend what’s going on in the grand scheme of things, so we should all agree –whether we be atheist or Southern Baptist—to keep open minds; skeptical, to be sure, but at least open.

In the general editorial opinion of CCP, the cold hard facts that modern humankind has at its disposal have given science a substantial lead over myth and faith, when it comes to defining the origins of the planet. But, we aren’t so arrogant that we won’t at least keep the door cracked.

Columbia City Paper

Dear spider,

Man, you were pimpin one of the coolest, most beautiful webs I’ve seen in my back yard in a while. You really outdid yourself. But, I’ll bet you’re wondering what happened to it this morning. See, what happened was: it was all in working order, but there was this leaf stuck in it. You weren’t around, so I thought I’d pull the leaf out so it would look perfect, but, well, shit man you made that stuff too sticky! I pulled the leaf and the whole section came down and got on my arm, I freaked out, slapped at it, spilled my coffee, and stepped in the dog bowl in my flip flops and pajamas and then just pulled the whole thing down when I lost my balance and fell into the yard shrieking. You probably saw the whole thing from the azalea bush. To you it must have looked like a cross between Harvey Fierstein and Godzilla.

It stinks that I blew up my tranquil morning in nature. ...And, I mean, I guess it kinda sucks from where you’re standing, too.

Columbia City Paper

Dear Calculator (the band),

We were going to write a glowing preview for your show at Bey’s Sports Bar, but realized it was occurring a week earlier than we had thought and wouldn’t jibe with our deadline. And, yes, you read that correctly: Columbia City Paper was actually going to preview a show at Bey’s. For those who’ve been following the titanic battle between City Paper publisher, Paul Blake, and Bey Rutherford over the years it might come as a shock that CCP would encourage funneling money there. It must be either be freezing in Hell or Calculator is an impressive enough local band to draw us out of our comfort zone. (Probably a little of both.) We’ll definitely get you guys next time.

Columbia City Paper

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