Wednesday, August 25, 2010

New Found Glory

Believe it or not, there was a time before Geffen and MTV’s “TRL,” a time when the “pop punk” formula didn’t evoke the same sort of knee-jerk repulsion elicited by The Jonas Brothers.

On one end of the spectrum you had the crisp Epitaph/Fat Wreck Chords/So. Cal cabal with granddaddies Bad Religion, Fat Mike sneering up front of NOFX, Pennywise, etc. and Face to Face bringing up the rear. On the other end of the spectrum was the Lookout! Records/Bay Area camp of stinkier romantics like Jawbreaker, Cringer, Sam I Am, Crimpshrine, and, yes, even Green Day in the Gilman Street days (the days prior to dropping to their knees to unzip Satan’s khaki slacks). Even some Revelation bands like the Gorilla Biscuits, Inside Out and Farside were bringing hardcore closer to pop.

New Found Glory is somewhere in the middle of all that: part modern dilettante, part old school purist; part early 90’s reinactors, part legitimate 90’s era pop punk band who hopped the train a millisecond after it left the station. They’re playing a style of music that is suffering a canned “X Games” type of stigma these days, but they’re playing it well and at least they’re playing it on Epitaph and not Nickelodeon.

If you’re into it –and, face it, when you have a few drinks and give yourself up to it, who isn’t?—then head on out and catch them. Hell, you already know exactly what they sound like.

-Norbet Sykes

Regional News

CHARLESTON

Charleston sailor on trial in Bermuda for drug running

A Charleston sailor on trial in Bermuda for allegedly smuggling around $30 million worth of marijuana says he was held without arraignment, not given access to a lawyer and subjected to a questionable search when he was arrested onboard his boat while out at sea last fall.

Andrew “Steve” Blatchley, a well-known and well-liked figure in the Lowcountry sailing community, and his Canadian co-defendant are facing a three-week trial before Bermuda’s Supreme Court.

“In America, any one of these would get the case thrown out,” Blatchley said in a letter from Bermuda’s Westgate Prison, according to the Charleston Post and Courier. “Not Here.”

Blatchley and two passengers were leaving Bermuda on a course toward Jamaica after docking the 36-foot sailboat “Bomba Shack” for repairs. The group was boarded by Bermuda law enforcement 14 miles off the island’s coast, Blatchley says.

Blatchley’s wife, Sandi, who lives in the Charleston area, says she believes her husband will be acquitted and freed, calling her husband’s arrest an error.


FLORENCE

Rabid fox ruins Darlington man’s morning

A Darlington man is recovering from multiple rabies shots after being bitten by a rabid fox while walking outside to get the morning paper.

Roy Martin told the Florence Morning News he felt something nipping at his ankle and at first thought it was his cat. When he turned to look, a red fox leapt at him and bit him on his inner thigh. He whacked it with his newspaper, he said, and the fox fled toward the tree line.

“It was acting crazy, like it was messed up in the head,” Martin told the Morning News.

Martin took 10 rounds of rabies shots and was later cleared by a doctor. The ex-postal carrier, who said he has been bitten by dogs at least 13 times, said he’s had enough and now walks to get the paper in the morning armed with a golf club.

“I got me a good chipping wedge,” he told the Morning News. “I don’t play much golf anymore, but if I ever run into another rabid fox, he’s going to think he’s being hit out of a bunker.”


Cops cracking down on pets left unattended in cars

Florence County Councilman, Dr. Morris Anderson, a retired veterinarian, is backing a move by Florence police to crack down on pet owners who leave their animals locked in cars during the summer heat.

“If you leave an animal in a car with the windows and doors shut, it’s like putting the animal in an oven, cutting it on and leaving him there,” Anderson told the Florence Morning News.

Since June, Florence police have arrested five people for leaving animals in extreme heat.

Last week police responded to a call about a dog locked in a vehicle around 1:20 p.m. at a Wal-Mart Supercenter. Officers ran the tag number and had management page the owner. Police said the dog, which had been in the car for over an hour, was so overheated when it was finally freed that it attempted to lick condensation off the bottom of other vehicles and guzzled several bottles of water. The owner was charged with ill treatment of animals.

“The high temperatures we have here are almost unbearable for animals,” Anderson said. “Leaving animals in these situations is punishment beyond belief. It’s torture, plain and simple.”


GASTONIA

Toddler recovering after shooting self in liquor store parking lot

A 3-year-old boy who shot himself in the thumb while playing with a gun he found in his family’s car is recovering from his injuries.

The incident happened in the parking lot of an ABC liquor store. According to authorities, a man, who may have been the boy’s father or stepfather, left the child and the boy’s mother in the car while he went inside to make a purchase. Witnesses said moments later they heard a gunshot and saw the mother carrying the boy into the store. He was rushed to a nearby hospital.

Police said the boy found the gun in the car and picked it up. So far no charges have been filed.


GREER

Argument leads to stabbing, more arguing

Greer police have arrested a man after he allegedly argued with a woman, stabbed her and then continued arguing with her.

Police said Clarence Brookshire, 58, argued with an unidentified woman, told her “I will kill you,” and then stabbed her in the chest with a knife. When police arrived on the scene they said the couple was arguing about who stabbed who first.

Clarence Brookshire has been charged with attempted murder.


SPARTANBURG

Robber targeted man’s KKK collectible, police say

A 32-year-old Boiling Springs man called police when he noticed the storage area of his home had been burglarized. Among the items missing was a Ku Klux Klan Case knife. The man, who said he owns a set of 100 Klan knives, told police that the stolen piece was engraved with “The White Brotherhood,” the three Klan crosses and the number 66.

Other items stolen included six Zippo lighters, some engraved with “Daddy.”

Feudalism lives in the State of South Carolina



[caption id="attachment_866" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="By Will Moredock"][/caption]

“Who’s that?”

“I dunno. Must be a king.”

“Why?”                                                                                          “He hasn’t got shit all over him.”

-- from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”

Ah, feudalism. Those were the days. Life was so much simpler then. For one thing, everyone knew his place and stayed in it. And it was so easy to tell kings from everyone else in those old feudal times. The king – and a few of his friends and family – didn’t have shit all over them. And everyone else did. That’s all you had to know.

Leave it to the South Carolina Republican Party to bring back those good old days. They have been working at it for years by giving us one of the most regressive tax codes in the nation.

They scored a huge breakthrough when they herded the General Assembly into doing away with  taxes on most residential properties in 2007. The legislature eliminated the school operations portion of the property tax and capped reassessment at 15 percent for residential properties that had not changed hands. The lost revenue would be offset by a small increase in the sales tax. And to those who cried that the sales tax is regressive and falls disproportionately on the poor and middle class, the tax reformers threw us a bone, eliminating the tax on most groceries. The average household saved about $218  a year on that little benevolence. Wealthy property owners saved thousands on the property tax overhaul.

From the beginning, critics screamed that it wouldn’t work. The marginal sales tax increase could never replace lost property tax.

Today, those Cassandras have been proven right. S.C.’s schools are in desperate straights as teachers are laid off and furloughed, as class sizes swell, as extracurricular programs are cut.

Today the state Tax Realignment Commission is studying ways to increase revenue without inconveniencing the wealthy. One option they are studying would raise the sales tax on groceries back to their pre-2007 levels or higher. Other options on the table include taxing prescriptions drugs, water  and electric power -- three things that have never been taxed in this state before. Yes, in a state where hundreds of our poorest residents have sought relief in paying their power bills during this scorching season, there are powerful individuals in Columbia who want to raise their power bills with a new tax.

GOP gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley has demonstrated that she is on board with the TRC’s feed-the-rich agenda. She wants to raise sales tax on groceries and eliminate the corporate income tax.

More taxes on the working class and the middle class. This is the price we may soon pay to protect the feudal prerogatives of this state’s ruling class. Think I exaggerate?

The man who lead the statewide campaign to abolish property tax in 2007 is a local millionaire named Emerson Read, Sr. Though he did not completely succeed in his goal, his friends thought he had come close enough to merit special recognition. In October of that year, the French Society of Charleston met at the Carolina Yacht Club for their 191st anniversary dinner. There men in white ties and tails and women in  evening gowns applauded enthusiastically as Emerson Read received  the Society’s Humanitati Award, in recognition of his efforts  to “improve the human condition either in his community or the world at large.”

“Like a savior, he was there when we needed him,” French Society member Jack Simmons told the overdressed and overfed yacht club crowd. “And by ‘we’ I mean every single South Carolinian and potentially every United States citizen.”

That’s right! The ruling class of South Carolina considers that cutting their property taxes was nothing less than a great humanitarian triumph. Furthermore, they think they speak for “every single South Carolinian and ... every United States citizen.”

Cloaked in such self-delusion, the plutocrats of this state make no apology for ruling over us with something like divine right. After all, they have been doing it for more than 300 years. Their attitude actually dates back to the age of divine right. And if Jack Simmons speaks for his class, those  wealthy bastards think we should be grateful for their wisdom and benefactions.

I have written here before that the people who run this state consider it their job to serve wealth and power. It is a medieval concept that came here on the first ships and we have never gotten over it.

It’s downright feudal in its implications for working class and middle class people. And it means we’re about to get covered with shit again. And again. And again.


talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

Feudalism lives in the State of South Carolina



[caption id="attachment_866" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="By Will Moredock"][/caption]

“Who’s that?”

“I dunno. Must be a king.”

“Why?”                                                                                          “He hasn’t got shit all over him.”

-- from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”

Ah, feudalism. Those were the days. Life was so much simpler then. For one thing, everyone knew his place and stayed in it. And it was so easy to tell kings from everyone else in those old feudal times. The king – and a few of his friends and family – didn’t have shit all over them. And everyone else did. That’s all you had to know.

Leave it to the South Carolina Republican Party to bring back those good old days. They have been working at it for years by giving us one of the most regressive tax codes in the nation.

They scored a huge breakthrough when they herded the General Assembly into doing away with  taxes on most residential properties in 2007. The legislature eliminated the school operations portion of the property tax and capped reassessment at 15 percent for residential properties that had not changed hands. The lost revenue would be offset by a small increase in the sales tax. And to those who cried that the sales tax is regressive and falls disproportionately on the poor and middle class, the tax reformers threw us a bone, eliminating the tax on most groceries. The average household saved about $218  a year on that little benevolence. Wealthy property owners saved thousands on the property tax overhaul.

From the beginning, critics screamed that it wouldn’t work. The marginal sales tax increase could never replace lost property tax.

Today, those Cassandras have been proven right. S.C.’s schools are in desperate straights as teachers are laid off and furloughed, as class sizes swell, as extracurricular programs are cut.

Today the state Tax Realignment Commission is studying ways to increase revenue without inconveniencing the wealthy. One option they are studying would raise the sales tax on groceries back to their pre-2007 levels or higher. Other options on the table include taxing prescriptions drugs, water  and electric power -- three things that have never been taxed in this state before. Yes, in a state where hundreds of our poorest residents have sought relief in paying their power bills during this scorching season, there are powerful individuals in Columbia who want to raise their power bills with a new tax.

GOP gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley has demonstrated that she is on board with the TRC’s feed-the-rich agenda. She wants to raise sales tax on groceries and eliminate the corporate income tax.

More taxes on the working class and the middle class. This is the price we may soon pay to protect the feudal prerogatives of this state’s ruling class. Think I exaggerate?

The man who lead the statewide campaign to abolish property tax in 2007 is a local millionaire named Emerson Read, Sr. Though he did not completely succeed in his goal, his friends thought he had come close enough to merit special recognition. In October of that year, the French Society of Charleston met at the Carolina Yacht Club for their 191st anniversary dinner. There men in white ties and tails and women in  evening gowns applauded enthusiastically as Emerson Read received  the Society’s Humanitati Award, in recognition of his efforts  to “improve the human condition either in his community or the world at large.”

“Like a savior, he was there when we needed him,” French Society member Jack Simmons told the overdressed and overfed yacht club crowd. “And by ‘we’ I mean every single South Carolinian and potentially every United States citizen.”

That’s right! The ruling class of South Carolina considers that cutting their property taxes was nothing less than a great humanitarian triumph. Furthermore, they think they speak for “every single South Carolinian and ... every United States citizen.”

Cloaked in such self-delusion, the plutocrats of this state make no apology for ruling over us with something like divine right. After all, they have been doing it for more than 300 years. Their attitude actually dates back to the age of divine right. And if Jack Simmons speaks for his class, those  wealthy bastards think we should be grateful for their wisdom and benefactions.

I have written here before that the people who run this state consider it their job to serve wealth and power. It is a medieval concept that came here on the first ships and we have never gotten over it.

It’s downright feudal in its implications for working class and middle class people. And it means we’re about to get covered with shit again. And again. And again.


talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

Hip Hop Review

Greetings!!!  Schools back in and football season is underway (let’s hope my NY GIANTS can pull one out this season).   Hope all of you are well out there and keeping cool in these last few weeks of summer.  Time is definitely rolling on; who would believe that Labor Day is right around the corner.  Be sure to get your grills cleaned and polished off for the unofficial end of summer. Let’s get it!!!!

REVIEW

Since we are wrapping up one of the most prolific summers (with respect to music releases) of this new millennium; I figured it be best to get you prepared for the upcoming releases this month & the months to come.  Releases are grouped by the month that they are expected to drop (all dates are subject to change)…

AUGUST

Dondria- Dondria vs. Phatffat

Tha Dogg Pound- 100 Wayz

Fantasia- Back To Me

Katy Perry- Teenage Dream

Main Flow- Return Of The Castle

The Pack- Wolfpack Party

Usher- Versus

Big L- 139 & Lenox

Common- Ressurection (Deluxe Edition)

Exile- Radio: AMFM

Gerald Levert- The Best Of…

KRS-ONE & True Master- MetaHistorical

Lyfe Jennings- I Still Believe

Madlib- Medicine

Spectac- Superman for a day; Clark Kent for life

Tela- Gators & Suits

SEPTEMBER

Chingy- Success & Failure

Dorrough- Get Big

Lady Saw- My Way

Nate Dogg- G Funk Mix

Spice 1- Best Of Vol. 2

Young Buck- The Rehab

Bilal- Airtight’s Revenge

Black Milk- Album Of The Year

Pete Rock & CL Smooth- Mecca & The Soul Brother (Deluxe Ed.)

Rah Digga- Classic

Soulive- Rubber Soulive

Trey Songz- Passion, Pain, & Pleasure

8Ball & MJG- From The Bottom 2 The Top

John Legend & The Roots- Wake Up!!

MC Eiht- Best Of

Pastor Troy- Best Of Vol. 1

Tank- Now or Never

Boogie Down Productions- Criminal Minded Deluxe Ed.

Donell Jones- Lyrics

Ron Isley- Mr. I

Young Jeezy- Thug Motivation 103

OCTOBER

Canibus- C of Tranquility

Ciara- Basic Instinct

Faith Evans- Something About Faith

Ice Cube- I Am The West

Jazmine Sullivan- Love Me Back

NeYo- Libra Scale

Pimp C- The Naked Soul of Sweet James Jones

Roscoe Dash- Ready Set Go

Lord Jamar- Known Associates

Snoop Dogg- Greatest Hits

Twista- Perfect Storm

Kanye West- Dark Twisted Fantasy

Lloyd Banks- Hunger For More Volume 2

WORDS OF WISDOM

You never know what day will be your last…Live your life now!!!  Stay Up!!!!

DJ Kingpin-Villain Of Vinyl

kingpinvillianofvinyl@gmail.com

Derf

Marcelo Novo Leaves Columbia

One of Columbia’s most widely known artists, Marcelo Novo, is moving to Washington, DC this fall. Columbia City Paper sat down with the painter to talk about his decision to leave and to reflect on the many years he spent in South Carolina.

CCP:  Why did you decide to move to Washington, DC?

NOVO: My wife got a job there and it is also a great opportunity for me to move into a bigger city.  The decision was very difficult as I spent 18 years in Columbia. I am very grateful for my friends and collectors and I will most certainly keep in touch with them. Living here so long, I will always have connections to Columbia. My art will continue to represent me here. For instance, on top of having works at if ART Gallery and in Goatfeathers, I will also have a group exhibition at the Columbia Museum of Art starting September 14.

CCP: Can you tell me more about this show?

NOVO: This is going to be a Latino group exhibition titled “Break.” The participating artists are all South Carolina resident Latino painters and our works will be shown on the second floor through October 31. I will be presenting a two dimensional mosaic-type piece from my “map” series.

CCP: What are you planning to do in DC in the beginning?

NOVO: My plan is to first find a gallery to represent me. Until then, I will be focusing on smaller pieces, color pencils. I also want to get involved in more public art projects.  And I already have a show scheduled as I arrive to DC. La Piola restaurant will display my works so the people living in the DC Metro area will get a glance into my work.

CCP: Tell me more about your plans to get involved in more public art projects.

NOVO:  I am planning on working on public art projects all over the nation.  What I love about public art is the easy access to art for people who do not necessarily go to museums or galleries. I like the fact that people go somewhere for a different reason and end up seeing art. It is a surprise. I also like art that would last for a long time. I have a work at MUSC and also a mural in Charlotte. I love the fact that art can affect people in a positive way. I am especially interested in creating public art in hospitals. For example, after I completed my triptych at the Carolina Medical Center-Mercy in Charlotte, a nurse walked to me and told me that she loved taking the elevator down to the mezzanine to see my work on the wall when she was having a hard day and wanted to cheer up.

CCP: So, in the end, do you have mixed feelings about your move?

NOVO: During my 18 years in Columbia many people asked me why I was not moving to a bigger city with my art. To be honest, I was hesitant and ended up not moving. If I do not go now, I will never know what could have happened to my carrier in DC. This will bring more challenges, but also more opportunities.

“Break! Artistas Latinos in South Carolina” will be on view in the David Wallace Robinson Jr. Community Gallery at the Columbia Museum of Art from September 14 - October 31.

Live music dates

Thursday August 26

Hard Knox Grill

Smile Empty Soul

New Brookland Tavern

Full Color Footage (EP Release)

Marry Me Joanna

Brandon Kean

Nick Sweat

Utopia

Open Mic w Bentz Kirby

The White Mule

Wayne Mills Band

Friday August 27

Hard Knox Grill

Old Skool

Macs on Main

Fatback & the

Groove Band

New Brookland Tavern

Obraskai (CD Release)

Host To Another

Relative Effect

Ma’at

Tattermask

Utopia

Five Steps

The White Mule

Larry Keel & Natural Bridge w/ Adam Klein & Gabriel Mintz

Saturday August 28

Art Bar

Dave Britt Band, New York Disco Villains,The Sea Wolf Mutiny, The Overtones

Hard Knox Grill

Unknown Hinson

with Facedown, Panacea

Macs on Main

The soul patrol

Art Bar

Dave Britt Band, New York Disco Villains, The Sea Wolf Mutiny, The Overtones

The White Mule

Magnetic Flowers w The Kicks

Matt Urmy w/ Leticia Wolfe

Sunday August 29

Hard Knoz Grill

D.B. Bryant and Friends

The White Mule

Coma Cinema, Old Canoe, Billy Wallace, & Joe Fletcher

Monday August 30

New Brookland Tavern

Acoustic Open Mic Night w/ Brightford

Tuesday August 31

New Brookland Tavern

Corpus Christi

A Hero A Fake

We Sail At Dawn

Vindictive Soverign

Kids In Masses

Wednesday September 1

New Brookland Tavern

Thank God

Tunguska

...for science!

Murder Media

Thursday September 2

Cafe Strudel

The Design

Friday September 3

New Brookland Tavern

Aloha Fest II:Day 1

Capital City Playboys

The Soul Mites

The Stellas

Acoustic Sets By: David Adedokun, Ben Walker,

Justin Register, Danny Lyons, TBA

Saturday September 4

Art Bar

Evil Empire (Rage Against the Machine Tribute), So Hush Hush (Pixies Tribute), Colour and the Shape, The Lovecrafts, Chase Asmer

Cafe Strudel

Flagship Admirals

New Brookland Tavern

Aloha Fest II: Day 2

Testing Ground

Carolina Chupacabra

Trudge

These Dying Days

TBA

Sunday September 5

Art Bar

Isle of Wight Pop Festival Tribute Show

New Brookland Tavern

Harptallica (Metallica Cover Band)

Brass To The Future

ROAD TRIP

08/27/10 : Friday

Walter Parks Sentient Bean Savannah, GA

Elmwood Wild Wing Cafe Savannah, GA

Serious Clark Infusions Lounge Asheville, NC

Brother Joscephus and the Love Revival Revolution Orchestra Mo Daddy’s Asheville, NC

Karl Denson’s Tiny Universe Pisgah Brewing Black Mountain, NC

Junior League Band Double Door Inn Charlotte, NC

Tears For Fears The Fillmore Charlotte, NC

Brad Paisley

Darius Rucker

Easton Corbin

Josh Thompson

Justin Moore

Steel Magnolia Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Charlotte, NC

Indecision Visulite Theatre Charlotte, NC Simplified MJ’s Bar and Grill Mooresville, NC

Temple Veil The Upper Room Statesville, NC

Weigh Station Johnson’s Pub Charleston, SC

DJ Icey The Music Farm Charleston, SC

Leslie

Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit The Pour House Charleston, SC

Chronicles of the Landsquid The Silver Dollar Charleston, SC

Machine Funk The House (Formerly the Elbow Room) Columbia, SC

The White Panda University of South Carolina Columbia, SC

Almost Kings

Rehab Lazy B Fairfax, SC

Josh Roberts and the Hinges Downtown Alive Greenville, SC

New Found Glory The Handlebar Greenville, SC

The Lost Highway Acme Cantina Isle of Palms, SC

Curtis Peoples

The Benjy Davis Project

Todd Carey

Josh Hoge

Tony Lucca

Ernie Halter

Joe Firstman

Matt Duke The Windjammer Isle of Palms, SC

Stephanie Briggs Fresh Brewed Coffee Myrtle Beach, SC

Nas

Damian “Jr. Gong” Marley House of Blues N. Myrtle Beach, SC

08/28/10 : Saturday

Bunny Carlos Rye Bar Athens, GA

Stephanie Briggs Terrapin Brewery Athens, GA

Turbine The Farm 255 Athens, GA

Deftones

Baroness Jessye Norman Amphitheater at the Riverwalk Augusta, GA

The Train Wrecks Rocks on the Roof Savannah, GA

Lingo Buffalos Statesboro, GA

Tanglespeak Grapefull Sisters Vineyard Tabor City, NC

Yancy Biltmore Baptist Church Arden, NC

Now You See Them Biltmore Park Town Square Asheville, NC

Shannon Whitworth Grey Eagle Asheville, NC

Mad Tea Party Common Market Charlotte, NC

Chris Duarte Group

Guitar Shorty Double Door Inn Charlotte, NC

The Thermatones Neighborhood Theatre Charlotte, NC

Five Gallon Groove Smokey Joe’s Cafe Charlotte, NC

KISS

The Academy Is

The Envy Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Charlotte, NC

The Small Ponds Visulite Theatre Charlotte, NC

Big Daddy Love Tanglewood Park Clemmons, NC

Crosstown Iron Thunder Saloon Concord, NC

Pyromatic The Doghouse Fayetteville, NC

The Plaztik Pony Band Momma Sarah’s Morganton, NC

ANA SIA

Eliot Lipp

MiM0SA

Charlie P

PERICLES

Nostalgia (Live PA)

VJ Soup The Music Farm Charleston, SC

Tea Leaf Green

Hill Country Revue The Pour House Charleston, SC

The Papa String Band The Utopia Grill Columbia, SC

Natalie Stovall Francis Marion University Florence, SC

Elmwood Wild Wing Cafe Hilton Head Island, SC

The Benjy Davis Project

Todd Carey

Josh Hoge

Joe Firstman

Matt Duke

Roy Jay The Windjammer Isle of Palms, SC

Debutaunts Bimini’s Oyster Bar & Cafe Myrtle Beach, SC

Dailey & Vincent Ocean Lakes Family Campground Myrtle Beach, SC

Michael Franti & Spearhead

Michael Franti House of Blues N. Myrtle Beach, SC

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

College Survival Guide

So, you’ve made it through move-in day as part of the largest freshmen class in University of South Carolina history. Understandably, you’re filled with mixed emotions as you stand on the sidewalk and wave to the fading taillights of your parents’ mini van. So...what happens next?

Let’s face it, at this point in your college career you don’t need to worry with a Columbia guide that lists phone numbers for the DMV or SCE&G.  You probably won’t need the services of your state senator, either.  (And even if you did, they slashed your university’s budget by 50% and don’t give a rat’s ass about your educational future.)

What you do need, however, is a guide that blazes you a trail through the complexities of fake IDs or how to get laid in a dorm room.

Today’s your lucky day!  You have picked up a copy of Columbia City Paper. Some CCP staffers spent the better part of a decade in the USC undergrad program.  And some even graduated.  Today we pass down to you--note, free of charge!--some choice morsels of wisdom.

Pay attention, Class of ‘14!  (If your parents had known we existed, they would have shipped you off to USC-Aiken.)


MAKING THE GRADE

Pass/Fail Classes: Unsung Heroes of Undergrads

If you’re doing college right, your GPA will be a distant afterthought until spring semester of your Sophomore year at the earliest. Unfortunately, if you’re doing college right, by that point your GPA is probably in a nosedive that will put a real damper on midweek boozing during your Junior and Senior years. The key? A brilliant gift from the administrative gods called the Pass/Fail option. You don’t get a grade and it won’t show up on your GPA –it’s only listed as pass or fail—but you do get credit for the course hours.

You should never take a class that will go toward your major as pass/fail, but it’s a perfect tool to pad your hours for financial aid or to keep the parents happy that you’re technically “full time.” Just show up enough to squeak by with a D- and you’re gold. The extra class that would’ve pulled down your GPA just became a freebie. Talk to your advisor for further details.


Peace Out! : Develop a Sixth Sense for Dropping Classes

First and foremost: Try to sit as close to the door as possible. Your gut will speak to you after the first 10 to 15 minutes of your first day of class.

If the professor seems particularly grumpy on the first day, your alarm bells should be ringing. More than likely, he or she will remain that way for the majority of the semester. Also, avoid the young professors, if at all possible. They are still institutionalized and seem to have chips on their shoulders. More often than not, the old, wrinkled suit-wearing guy is going to be more hungover than you are, will be a whole lot easier on your GPA, and will often impart grizzled worldly wisdom through his rants while simultaneously teaching the subject.

Also, immediately scour the syllabus. They are often misleading. Phrases like “25 page essay and Power Point presentation” are snuck into seemingly innocuous lines around the mid-term point on the syllabus, often only noticed with horror three days before they are due. If there are too many projects, journals, or an abundance of mindless busywork, go with your gut and drop the class. If it’s a small class, at least wait for the class to end. If it’s a larger class, slip out the door the minute you decide to drop, go home, and hop on V.I.P. to find a replacement. Be patient at this point if everything else is full: lots of students drop and add and if you keep trying, you’ll get another class you want.

Plus, ride the “override” for all it’s worth. This often requires a bit of professorial butt-kissing, but it can pay dividends.

If you have to change around three times, do it. The key is to search out the classes and professors who will best fulfill your needs (i.e. sleeping in and applying as little actual brain power as possible).


Parking Secret: Secret Parking

Want to feel truly alienated by your university? Live off campus. Commuter students have gotten the shaft at USC for years, paying $70 for a parking decal that doesn’t even guarantee a space. Well, forget that. All you need is a little gumption and creativity and you can find a plethora of free parking around campus, often within yards of the building to which you are headed.

Over the weekend, cruise the neighborhoods that surround campus. The City of Columbia has long called dibs on the street parking, so don’t even bother with that. What you need to do is check the myriad back alleys, side yards, and dumpster areas behind buildings, et cetera –basically, the underbelly of the campus outskirts.

There are very small pockets of spaces behind certain individually owned apartment buildings on Greene, Barnwell, Henderson and Pickens streets. We’ll let you find those yourselves; just know they’re there. Also, know that most commercial apartment complexes don’t actually have a guy who checks cars for stickers in the lot. (Except for Cornell Arms: they will tow your ass in seconds.)

With some careful recon and some skillful shimmying, you can wiggle into a comfy, convenient, and free space. The key is to adopt the air that you are supposed to be parking there. Make up an elaborate story to go along with your parking space and stick to it.  Challenge anyone who disagrees. If you hesitate for a moment, you risk a $60 towing fee. Often these secret spaces are passed down through generations, but if you find your own space, guard it viciously. Often competing parkers will pose as landlords, leaving threatening notes on your windshield. Sometimes they will threaten to vandalize your car. But, stick to your guns! Remember: you can leave notes, too.


Don’t let stage fright put a damper on your Economics presentation. After a couple of shots of vodka before class, you’ll nail the presentation and impress your classmates with your casual delivery.

The key is to use vodka, as it gives off less –or at least a different—odor than other liquors. It’s also imperative to announce that you have a cold. This will serve two functions. One, the vodka smell could still be noticeable, but a Hall’s cough drop in your mouth at all times will blend with and mask the smell (plus, if people think you’re sick, they’ll keep their distance). Also you don’t want to drink enough to get drunk, just relaxed, but the head cold story will explain your “loopiness” if you accidentally have one too many.

Presentations are all about smoke and mirrors.  Our publisher Paul Blake made a presentation for an advertising campaign class in which, while leaving for class, he grabbed three random overhead slides and his stoned roommate’s guitar.  He dragged his roommate to class and presented a campaign on Swiffer which was completely improvised; during the song, whilst his Phish-loving roommate played softly in the background, he turned into a spider and danced on desks.  He received another well earned C with little to no effort.  C’mon:  “It picks up your pubes” deserves at least a C+!


How to Stay Awake in Class

How to stay awake in class? Don’t. You should be worn out from ladies night and/or sneaking in a power nap for the evening to come.

There are a few resources online that offer advice on training yourself to sleep with your eyes open, but often just knowing how position your body can do the trick. The generally accepted rule is to shield your eyes with your free hand –like a visor—as you cock your elbow on the desk and rest your head in your hand. The other hand will be scribbling in your notebook. The overall effect should look like you are staring down at your notebook with unwavering concentration. When you master this technique, you’ll be able to sleep while your pen hand is still moving.

If you tend to drool or snore, don’t risk it. You may as well just stay awake and tough it out. Two Red Bulls and an Adderall will work wonders in cases of extreme fatigue, but don’t make it a habit of it –especially, if you mix it with other medications or drugs. You don’t want to go out like Belushi during a Shakespeare lecture.

Excuses: Don’t Use Dead Grandmas

Even if Gran Gran really did give up the ghost, you’re better off telling your professor you’re missing the midterm because of car trouble or even a hostage crisis. The dead grandmother excuse has long been compromised and is a running joke among the profs. If you use it with a straight face, they take it as an insult. They’ll at least respect the creativity and balls it takes to call in a bomb scare.


Best Professors

The best college Web site known to man is RateMyProfessor.com. Use it.


How to BS on an English exam

If you’re sitting there reading the essay question over and over and you still can’t even recognize where the passage came from, just write about how the whole thing makes you feel. Wow them with flowery language. A former City Paper sportswriter once worked this Jerky Boy’s line into an Art History exam: “ …the women in the painting looked like they could do a side of beef and make it more tender than a damn wet pillow.” He got a C.

How to cure a hangover

It takes years of trial and error to perfect the ultimate hangover cure. Most of you youngsters out there still have the luxury of sleeping for 14 hours to knock a hangover out. The rest of us have to be at work at 9 a.m. on weekdays. That being the case, necessity has forced us to develop effective cures. And, simplicity is the key. Set the alarm clock to 6:30 a.m. before you go out. Just trust us on this one. The next time you hear that horrible sound, the sun will be rising and you will wake up in a sober shock. Ignore the chirping of the birds, the light streaming in through the window and the fact that you slept in your shoes again. You only have to do five simple things at this point.

1. Fill a glass of water and put in a dash of orange juice to flavor it.  Room tempature beverages are best on the stomach so try to remember to leave out the Brita pitcher the night before.

2. Optional: Force down a piece of toast, some cereal, crackers, whatever.

3. Take a packet of headache powder. If you have to, take two tablets, but the powder, while near vomit inducing, is quicker to dissolve. Drink the whole glass of water and oj. (Our publisher swears by Alka Seltzer.) If possible, drink two or three glasses of water. The first priority is to hydrate your system.

4. Pee, go back to bed, and sleep for at least 2 more hours. When you next wake, you will feel close to 45 percent. Drink a couple of large glasses of iced tea. Take a shower, then have something greasy for breakfast if you can take it.

The real hangover starts around mid afternoon. You’ll wake strong, but crash later. Be prepared. If you feel ill, splash cold water on your face. If you are in class, just use your fingers to dab it on your face from a water bottle. The sickness will pass. The key is to shoulder through it. Go home and take a long nap. If you follow these steps, you’ll feel so good by Happy Hour that you’ll want to go out for a drink to celebrate.

How to pull an all-nighter

First, find the kid on your hall that has a prescription for Ritalin, buy two pills from him, and take one. Then, have an in-depth conversation with your roommate for at least three hours. You won’t be able to begin studying until you’ve thoroughly cleaned your entire room and organized the cereal boxes by the Dewey Decimal System.

By four in the morning you should have finally buckled down to study and the first pill will be wearing off. Crush up the other one, snort it, and remember to e-mail the assignment to your professor before you come down hard and sleep through your classes for the entire day.

Never, ever sign up for an 8 a.m. class

Ever. It’s an abomination.


“Thank you, Sir! May I Have Another?” : How to survive Rush Week

The one stipulation for Mom and Dad paying for college is that junior will join pop’s old frat or daughter will join mom’s old sorority. It’ll come in handy later, they say, when you enter the business world or if you transfer to the Citadel. For now, though, the frat and sorority have their present-day perks: a sense of community within your flip-flop wearing mob of homies; reputation; and, most importantly, the key to some of the best booty on campus. But, it won’t come free. First you have to survive Rush Week.

You will have to wear diapers in class, shoot down a Slip-n-Slide greased by beer vomit, or worse… much, much worse. The key is to be physically prepared. Make sure to get plenty of sleep, by any means necessary. Studies show that lack of sleep will cause forgetfulness, mood swings, and will hamper the immune system. You will need your immune system in prime order after some of the disgusting things you’ll be forced to ingest.

To combat the mental and physical fatigue, study a British SAS or Army Special Forces survival manual. They often teach basic techniques for surviving in a high-stress captor-and-captive situation. This will come in handy after a night of vodka enemas and ice baths when you awaken blindfolded and naked in the middle of the horseshoe on Sunday morning.

Most importantly, try to be mindful around alcohol, the cornerstone of all hazing activities. Alcohol poisoning is the bane of the frat existence, but it is a real threat. Too many shots of spiced rum– no matter how high Jimmy Buffett is cranked– will cause you to pass out and can depress the nerves that are responsible for involuntary functions like breathing or the gag reflex, which will cause you to choke, Bon Scott style, on your own puke. (Which is better than someone else’s vomit.) In addition, your heart rate can drop and lead to hypothermia or you could suffer brain damage from dehydration. If the guy beside you shows any signs of alcohol poisoning while you are being hazed, stop the challenge, remove the broom handle from your rectum, and call the paramedics immediately.


CAMPUS LIFE:

Benefits Of Condom Use

Maybe you’ve had University 101 and seen the slideshow. Maybe your first drunken sexual encounter said she was on birth control but then you had to drop out of school and work a $10 an hour job to give her three quarters of everything you make just because you thought it “didn’t feel as good.” Keep in mind, condoms are significantly cheaper than (a) a wedding, (b) child support, or (c) an abortion, so use them (unless you are a devout Catholic, in which case, swing away).

And remember, free Lifestyles tuxedos are available at the Thompson Student Health Center.


Using a fake ID in Five Points

Though we at City Paper in no way condone it, there is a simple process for using a fake ID in Five Points. If you’re a girl and have boobs then congratulations—you’re in. And if you hook up with the bouncer then your friends are in too. If you are a guy though, you have a only a few options: (a) Drive to Atlanta or New York and buy a good fake, but don’t spend more than $50, (b) Purchase some holograms off the internet, (c) Make a friend at the DMV, (d) Use your brothers’, or (e) Use that scanner your parents bought you accordingly.

As for using that fake, walk in behind someone of age—they won’t scrutinize your ID as hard. Also, wait about a month after school starts to head downtown to avoid SLED. Make sure you dress down like you’ve been doing it for a while and, last but not least, if you see a cop act normal—otherwise he’s going to beeline for you when you drop that cup and bolt.

Remember, the ID doesn’t really have to look like you and if all else fails you can always use “the pass-back” option. But, we think you should wait until you’re legal to go boozing at the bars.


Don’t let a T-shirt or free pizza induce you to sign up for a credit card

They look friendly enough, beckoning from the foldout table near the Russell House. And, wow, you can get a free generic Carolina shirt for just filling out that form? The credit card lady says, “Haaay, how are yeeewww!” like she’s a long-lost relative, and, oh, the whole experience just seems so genuine…

Nope. Fight it! Run away shrieking if you have to. There’s no shame in it. Just run. The minute the credit card lady’s talons close around your form, consider yourself financially ruined before you even graduate. Next thing you know, you’ll have an apartment full of non-returnable NASCAR furniture that you bought while tripping and a massive monthly bill that it will take decades to crawl away from. Plus that executive job you think you are going to get the day you graduate just simply doesn’t exist.  Chances are you will be begging for your waitstaff job back that you blew off during finals and will remain there for the following 10 years.

Intricacies of Communal Showers

There is but one essential to surviving communal showers. Cheap sandals. Platforms if you can get them. The only place you will wear them is in the shower—and with good reason.

Foot fungus runs rampant. If the powders and itch creams aren’t working and it still feels like a lit match is resting between your toes, try slathering your feet with yogurt. No joke, it’s supposed to work wonders. Itchy feet are the least of your worries, though. Those chunks clogging the drain are last night’s pasta from the Bates House Cafeteria after the kid two doors down slammed a six-pack of Hard-Core Apple Cider. We don’t even need to get started on what the guy is doing in the corner stall and if an athlete is on the toilet, breathe through your mouth.



(If only someone told us this sex advice when we were entering college!)

1.  Guys, don’t go sticking your tongue in college gals’ mouths. You’re not under the bleachers anymore. Women of all ages like a little bit of romance. What’s more, let them initiate.  Start out with soft romantic kisses that your grandparents would approve of (think “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Roman Holiday”) and skip any moves that turn your disgusting, un-brushed slab of spit meat into an orthodontic weapon.  Don’t worry, there is a time and place, but just go easy at first and let her guide.

2.  The difference between “lie” and “lay.”  Bet you ignored that grammar lesson in grade school.  Now it’s time to pay attention.  If you want to get laid, don’t lie!  Women and men both love sex, so just be honest about playing the field.  If you are a flake and coke head, be up front about it. There is someone for everyone—remember, even Michael Jackson convinced someone to have children with him.

If you actually convince someone to crawl in bed with you, don’t be afraid to share that you fantasize about sticking a cucumber up your bunghole (so long as it’s an imported cuke and not Certified S.C. Grown). Don’t be afraid to put stuff out there like, “Hey, your friend Sally or Roger should join us” or “Do you want me to use my vibrating toothbrush on you?” If you’re in the middle of the act, listen for subtle moans: if he or she gets louder, odds are you are doing something right—either that or your partner is really trying to communicate through the tennis ball gag you placed over his or her mouth. If your partner goes limp, you may be overdoing it—either that or it’s time to remove the tennis ball to give them oxygen.

Don’t be afraid to introduce toys into the equation.  There are many sexual wonders to discover when Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head meet up with your roommate’s My Pretty Pony collection. Many women need vibrators to achieve climax, so swallow your pride and ask her if she owns one, then offer to bring it into the equation. And remember: BYOB stands for bring your own batteries.

Again, the key is to be honest and open, and, ladies, this especially applies to orgasms.  NO FAKING! Men will never learn to please you if you just pretend that you’re satisfied with his Gatling gun approach.  Brutally honest partners make for better relationships and fantastic lovers.

3. Life doesn’t always imitate art. Fellas, keep in mind that all those ladies you watched in all those porn videos in high school were getting paid. Real world women are not jackrabbits, and most women only like facials at the spa. Be a gentleman at first. Then, after about two months of steady dating, pretend to accidentally insert “Cornhole Coeds 15” into the DVD player when you really meant to put in “Aladdin.”  If she seems intrigued, you might just be in for one helluva magic carpet ride.

4. Avoid buying drinks for strangers. You’ll need that money for a gym membership when you hit 35 and your body starts to turn into a zeppelin because it can no longer process those late night combos from McDonalds that you’ll grab on the drive home from yet another unsuccessful singles mixer. Alone and defeated, you will eat from the combo bag and weep softly while you trudge around your sparse one-bedroom apartment in your underwear and turn the photos of your mother toward the wall to spare her likeness the sight when you finally, begrudgingly, take yourself into your own hand, yet again, by the cold, indifferent glow of discount Euro porn on your computer screen; so mother’s eyes can’t see when you groan tearfully –almost angrily—to the sounds coming from your headphones, the knick-knacks on your desk rattling violently, bits of chewed burger and mustard spilling out of your mouth onto your pale, flabby chest. ...Sorry. Where was I?

5. Don’t be selfish in bed. Men are probably worse than women when it comes to not reciprocating slob jobs. Male undergrads: your top priority should not be your lab assignment but the ability to please a lady with at least two different parts of your body (nose, toes, etc.).  Don’t be afraid to ask questions. “Do you like that?  More pressure?  Would it help if I bought you a new Louis Vuitton bag?” And ladies, there is no such thing as a bad BJ, so just go with it and have fun.

6. Don’t try too hard. Desperation is like that chicken plant in West Columbia; you can smell it three miles away.  Ladies, go easy on the excessive make up and slutty dress (but definitely show enough to keep us interested). Men, stop showing off, kill the tacky sexual innuendo and, for Christ’s sake, don’t tell fart jokes. Crass humor might be funny in this newspaper (and even that’s debatable), but when it comes to wooing a lady, that type of stuff will send you straight to the locker room. Game over.

As for pick up lines, don’t use them.  The only one phrase you’ll ever need:  “Hi, my name is…” Guys, unless you have a two-foot dong, we highly recommend that you ask a young lady about her background and her interests. There are a slew of books on this subject from the famous Dale Carnegie to the infamous Ron Jeremy. (Come to think of it, I’m not sure Ron Jeremy ever wrote a book on picking up women because if you have a two foot dong you can pretty much skip all of these tips.)

Sex In A Dorm Room

Things haven’t changed much since Gilbert and company went on their legendary panty raid in Revenge of the Nerds: the girl’s dorms will forever be the promised land for the undergrad male. Buxom young vixens stroll the halls in bath towels on their way to experimental make-out sessions, stopping occasionally to giggle through scantily clad pillow fights. To actually score in this frilly heaven, with the teddy bears looking on, is a scene to rival any story in Hustler.

Conversely, sex at the guy’s sparse, armpit-reeking dorm has always seemed pathetic and, well, kind of creepy. Funny how that works. No matter if you choose top bunk or bottom, space will always be an issue; lighting, too, will be a problem. But, you’ve got to run with what you bring to the track. The one element you can control is privacy.

The whole necktie on the doorknob bit was antiquated back when your parents used it in the Shag days. Nowadays the norm is to cover your doorknob with a thick glob of Vaseline. The door is virtually impenetrable, gives your roommate a moment to realize why you’re blaring Eddie Money, followed by the image of what is transpiring on the other side of the door. He will then look at himself grabbing the lubed doorknob, be overcome with a pang of disgust and will hurry back to the coffee shop for another latte.

But, don’t abuse your roommate’s kindness: you should only commandeer the dorm for an hour or so at a time. And remember: free Jimmies at Thompson Student Health Center.


talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

Dear USC Freshmen Gals,

Dear USC Freshmen Gals:

Don’t let your RA try to scare you with ridiculous orientation legends about Lizard Man eating students alive late at night in the bushes of Maxcy Gregg Park.  However, there is a new boogie man in town; one which, I assure you, the Horseshoe tour docents were not permitted to tell your parents about last spring.  The monster’s name is Candidate Greene.

Whatever you do, do NOT hang out alone at night in your dorm computer lab.  And if a lazy-eyed, African-American senatorial candidate being dogged by Associated Press reporters asks you to take a peek at some photo of a hot Thai chick with a horse, you’d better place a quick call to campus police.

Columbia City Paper

p.s.  The author of these letters has also been known to dine at The Patio.


Dear upscale hotel,

Who would lock an indoor pool at 11 p.m.? If I want to play “Hunt for Red October” with a couple of off duty waitresses, I take great offense to being robbed of that opportunity. Why do you think I’ve been sitting at the bar in nothing but swim trunks, water wings, and goggles since Happy Hour? Now I look like a fool! And, as a paying customer, I believe it’s my right to get jacked on pills and booze and order room service from the hot tub if I so choose. Or even sleep in it. That’s why hotels have insurance.

Columbia City Paper


Dear fellow citizens,

You heard the man. Henry McMaster says the roughly $700,000 in public money being spent by his office to oppose health care reform, support the Arizona immigration law, and lambast the feds over Yucca Mountain is not politically motivated. So, let’s all get to it:

Initiate sequence to open buttocks and accept blown smoke. Initiating sequence. Be advised, constituency should ignore that these cases were filed during his run for governor. Roger that. Engage hands at port and starboard to pull cheeks apart. Pulling cheeks apart. The smoke Henry is blowing about immigration is now at five meters and counting. Roger. Correction: Smoke column also contains that bit about Craigslist not being a stunt. Copy that. Increasing rectal diameter. Blown smoke should enter up our collective asses in 4, 3, 2, 1.

Ahhh...

Columbia City Paper


Dear NCAA investigators,

Fellas! Let’s be reasonable here. We understand if you feel you have to investigate Saunders for the party in Miami, but why take it out on the other players who’ve been staying at the Whitney Hotel? I mean, have you seen the conditions those poor guys have to endure over there? There’s only one complimentary HBO channel and the pool can get crowded. Plus, you have to tip for same day laundry and the guys at practice would rib them if they showed up in the complimentary limo. I’m sure they’d prefer to live in Bates House. Listen, why don’t you come by the City Paper office, we’ll take you to lunch, and send you away with a nice wad of unmarked bills for gas or whatever else you may need. Get our drift? The boys have to get their reps in if we’re going to take the SEC East. And that way you can go ahead and wrap things up here and be on your way to Gainesville or Athens.

Columbia City Paper

Jim DeMint hates freedom



[caption id="attachment_2264" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="Opinion by Baynard Woods"][/caption]

In the 1990s I lived in Albuquerque and there was a great “pirate radio” station—Rebel Radio 90.9. The FCC busted the station—which didn’t interfere with any other frequency and could only broadcast as far as someone could climb in a tree; it didn’t extend beyond the student ghetto—and yet the FCC threatened to fine everyone involved ten thousand bucks. Eventually they relented, but the station died after the third bust. I agree with the radical country singer Steve Earle when he sings, “Fuck the FCC.”

I was surprised to see that Senator DeMint might agree with him too. At least it seemed that way when he introduced a bill that would limit the authority of the FCC, stressing the need “to protect consumers.”

The FCC entirely limited my freedom as a consumer, deciding what I could hear and not hear for most of my life. What if I wasn’t happy and wanted to start up my own station? Rebel Radio tried to do it legit—it cost over a hundred grand to even apply for a license to run a station.  But I wanted there to be small stations. The FCC clearly harmed the consumer for the sake of the corporations who owned the bog stations.

When I first heard about DeMint’s bill, I thought he might want to protect anarchists and gutter punks and hippies broadcasting drunken rants from clandestine locations.  Or even, since we are really talking about the internet now, maybe DeMint wants to protect the average porn-viewer, pot-seed from Amsterdam purchaser, and paranoid conspiracy theorist browsing the web at three in the morning.

In reality, DeMint is trying to protect Comcast, Verizon and a few other companies. He is against Net Neutrality, a regulation which would prevent giant internet service providers from providing preferred or delayed service to different sites. Without net neutrality, Comcast, who now owns NBC, could block consumer access to sites like ABC or CBS.

It’s bad for the American consumer, but worse for the American citizen. If Verizon decided to support Senator DeMint, and you got your internet through their FiOS or phone lines, they could prevent you from accessing this article altogether. They could make it so slow that it wouldn’t exist for you.

Because DeMint has brilliantly redefined his terms, he is able to make the unemployed guy in Iowa think the senator is protecting his freedom. But, DeMint doesn’t mean this guy is free any more than Jefferson was talking about slaves when he said all men were created equal. DeMint hopes to help create the new, truly feudal state.

The idea of a new feudalism has been around at least since NAFTA, but it explains a great deal about the character and politics of DeMint.

In DeMint’s radical world-view, multinationals are the knights and the lords who battle it out on the (to us meaningless and abstract) field of battle—the stock market.  Instead of investing in our own communities, we bet on the jousting matches of the new super-human royalty. This is what passes for an economy.

We have been free to give money to whatever company we wanted to for the last half century. When that freedom is limited by its own failure, the Tea Baggers pop out screaming, without even noticing that the old sense of freedom is long gone. In the new feudalism, the individual is a serf who should be highly regulated. The state should imprison as many people as possible (tough on crime), closely monitor the free citizens to make sure they don’t need to be renditioned, interrogated, or incarcerated (Patriot Act), and interfere in people’s sex lives and base hiring of state employees upon the sexual acts they do or do not perform (DeMint’s claim that gay people should not be allowed to teach in public schools).

If DeMint were truly against government intervention, he would immediately introduce bills to legalize drugs, prostitution, and gambling. He would enact prison reform. He would declare smoking bans unconstitutional. He would do everything possible to protect the voice of the individual.

The voice of the lonely and uncertain individual may be warbled and imperfect. It may crack and falter. It is frail by nature, articulating words in a world of sound and fury. The entire universe seeks to drown this voice. It is vulnerable always precisely in its use, in its raising. It is endangered and needs the protection of the first amendment.

The internet is still a place where that individual voice can be heard. Rather than freeing it from government control, DeMint hopes to make the internet like television and radio were for most of his life—well-mannered behemoths, not the ragged collection of ill-mannered, idiosyncratic and individual voices that makes the internet free.

talkback@columbiacitypaper.com

Death of Paris


It’s kind of like their first show, but not really, because Columbia’s Death in Paris has been playing intimate acoustic- based shows scattered across town this summer like Joe Wilson has been slinging hot wieners across the state in his high profile race for congress. They’ve been warming up the Soda City at places like The House of Softcore, The Whig, and the USC Russell House but Friday at The New Brookland Tavern they’re officially debuting the band whose core includes members of the now defunct This Machine is Me. They’ll be supported by Today the Moon, Tomorrow the Sun, The Private Life of David Reed and an after show dance party featuring a DJ battle between Alejandro and Bakari. Above: Death in Paris members Jayna Doyle and Blake Arambula goof around at the Whig during the summer. Below: Alejandro at The New Brookland Tavern in August of last year. Lauren Gibson of Today the Moon... rocks the Blue Lady Lounge inside the Art Bar in June.    -Sean Rayford


Chris Barron

Chris Barron, lead singer of the Spin Doctors, brings songs from his new project The Time Bandits, as well as solo gems, to the White Mule next week. Fans of the Grammy-nominated Spin Doctors –best known for their hits “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” and “Two Princes”—can expect less funk than what they’re used to from Barron, but will be thoroughly engrossed by the deeper well of traditional rock from which he is currently drawing.

“You tend to write yourself into the places you want to play,” Barron admits. “There was a time when I was writing bedside songs for the walls of my room, but these days I am writing what I like to call ‘bar music for big theaters’—stripped down, honest rock and roll like The Last Waltz meets Exile on Main Street.”

Barron lost his voice for a few years, quite literally, due to vocal chord paralysis, a diagnosis that broke up his band and left him wondering if he would ever talk again, let alone sing. Trying everything from steroids, to acupuncture, to voice training, he eventually regained his voice. Throughout it all, he continued to write songs.

As his voice returned, he tweaked his new batch of songs in the East Village during the birth of the Anti Folk scene. “I used to go down to the Sidewalk Café to try out new songs, and I met Adam Green and Kimya Dawson of the Moldy Peaches. I sang on some of their early albums and played guitar with them,” he says, before he eventually met the members of what would become The Time Bandits.

These days, Barron and his band are touring when time allows, just returned from a trip to Iraq to perform for the troops, and are psyched on their latest EP “Songs From the Summer of Sangria.”

It’s safe to assume that anything goes with Barron’s acoustic show. So the White Mule can probably expect to hear songs from across the spectrum of his long, storied career.

-Norbet Sykes

Jason Isbell and The 400 Unit

Jason Isbell is nothing, if not an enigma. As a young guitar player and songwriter plucked from Alabama, he found himself thrust into the spotlight of sold-out shows with the Drive-By Truckers, one of the most important Southern bands in decades, during a pivotal point in their evolution. And not only did he rise to that challenge, he blew the roof off every stage they set foot on. If that wasn’t enough, he’s known for penning some of the more classic DBT songs and laying down studio sessions that are probably the envy of seasoned rock vets twice his age: “Outfit,” “Decoration Day,” “The Day John Henry Died,” “Never Gonna Change,” “Danko/Manuel,” and “Goddamn Lonely Love.”

And then he simply walked away from it all.

Even now, years after he left the band, Isbell’s songs define that era for DBT. Take it from those of us who were travelling to the 40 Watt from the beginning of it. It was rock n’ roll magic. DBT’s live shows just aren’t the same to this day.

Leaving DBT, he almost immediately hit the road with his phenomenal solo release, “Sirens of the Ditch.” Many of the cuts on Sirens –power-driven, atmospheric and dark—harkened back to his alma mater. The other songs on the album, though, hinted at the new direction toward which Isbell was heading. Fast forward a couple of years and hundreds of miles on the road to what appears to be that destination: the self-titled album from Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit. The latest batch of songs are his most complex and layered to date. His lyrics –perhaps his most potent weapon—are as rich and poignant as ever. I can’t say Isbell has matured as a songwriter since he’s already known for writing songs well beyond his years; his newer songs just seem more “aged,” like a good whiskey.

Expect to be hit with a little bit of everything this coming Wednesday, from poetic bar ballads to straight up guitar rock. Whatever the guys throw our way, trust that it will be the real McCoy. This is not a show to miss. The best thing going down music wise in Columbia all week, if not all month.

-Todd Morehead

Soundboard and Roadtrip



Thursday August 19

Hard Knox Grill

Acoustic Night

The White Mule

Adler and Hearne

Cathedrals of Soul

New Brookland Tavern

Pan

I Am Carpenter

Andy Lehman & the Night Moves

The Eminence Front

Forces Of A Street

Utopia

Open Mic w Kieth Bates

Friday August 20

Hard Knox Grill

Casual Kings and Dave Britt Band

New Brookland Tavern

Death Of Paris “Hometown Premiere”

Today The Moon, Tomorrow The Sun

The Private Life Of David Reed

After Show Dance Party DJ Battle Royale

w/: Alejandro vs. Bakari

Utopia

Tough Mama

The White Mule

Connor Christian & Southern Gothic w Chase Asmer

Saturday August 21

Art Bar

The Mercy Shot, Telltale, Soren Well

Hard Knox Grill

Throttle Rod w

Isabelle’s Gift

Souls Harbor

Fight in Vegas

New Brookland Tavern

The Color and The Shape (Foo Fighters Cover Band)

Triple Cobra

Supermarket Fantasy (Screeching Weasel Cover Band)

Utopia

The Whatever Band

The Whig

DSJ Agent 45

Jason Perlmutter

& The G.C.S.P.S

The White Mule

Eboniramm (early)

Michael Trent w Ryan Bonner, Emily Lynch and Cary Ann Hearst

Sunday August 22

New Brookland Tavern

The Grotesques

Secret Mountains

Cameron Gardner Trio

Chemical Peel

The White Mule

Don Russo Student Showcase

Nick Cowen

Monday August 23

New Brookland Tavern

The White Mule

Yo Soybean w/ Stephen Sebastian & Jailbox

Tuesday August 24

Hard Knox Grill

Singer/Songwriter night

New Brookland Tavern

Acoustic Open Mic Night w/ Brightford

The White Mule

Acoustic Rivalry

Wednesday August 25

Hard Knoz Grill

Jazz Night

New Brookland Tavern

The J.O.B. (The Jim O’Ferrell Band)

Head Space

Mike Sanders

Utopia

Slap Wore Out

The White Mule

Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit w/ Nikki Lee (early full band show).

Thursday August 26

Hard Knox Grill

Smile Empty Soul

New Brookland Tavern

Full Color Footage (EP Release)

Marry Me Joanna

Brandon Kean

Nick Sweat

Utopia

Open Mic w Bentz Kirby

The White Mule

Wayne Mills Band

Friday August 27

Hard Knox Grill

Old Skool

New Brookland Tavern

Obraskai (CD Release)

Host To Another

Relative Effect

Ma’at

Tattermask

Utopia

Five Steps

The White Mule

Larry Keel & Natural Bridge w/ Adam Klein & Gabriel Mintz

Saturday August 28

Art Bar

Dave Britt Band, New York Disco Villains,The Sea Wolf Mutiny, The Overtones

Hard Knox Grill

Unknown Hinson

with Facedown, Panacea

New Brookland Tavern

The White Mule

Magnetic Flowers w The Kicks

Matt Urmy w/ Leticia Wolfe

Sunday August 29

Hard Knoz Grill

D.B. Bryant and Friends

New Brookland Tavern

The White Mule

Coma Cinema, Old Canoe, Billy Wallace, & Joe Fletcher

08/20/10 : Friday

efren Farm 255 Athens, GA

Abbey Road LIVE Melting Point Athens, GA

Cypress

Lingo New Earth Music Hall Athens, GA

jazzchronic Livewire Music Hall Savannah, GA

DJ Le Spam & the Spam Allstars Downtown After Five Asheville, NC

Lou Barlow

Wye Oak Grey Eagle Asheville, NC

Donna Hopkins

Jeff Sipe MoDaddy’s Asheville, NC

Edwin McCain Orange Peel Asheville, NC

splynter The Garage at Biltmore Asheville, NC

The Breakfast Club Amos’ Southend Charlotte, NC

Shane Pruitt Band

Roosevelt Collier’s Sacred Steel Stew

Devon Allman’s Honeytribe Double Door Inn Charlotte, NC

illicitizen Keg and Cue Charlotte, NC

Neko Case Knight Theater Charlotte, NC

The Sammies Neighborhood Theatre Charlotte, NC

Grown Up Avenger Stuff The Evening Muse Charlotte, NC

Hipshack The Other Side @ Neighborhood Theatre Charlotte, NC

Now You See Them Feed and Seed Fletcher, NC

Sol Driven Train Roger’s Park Ampitheater Tryon, NC

Josh Roberts and the Hinges Fiery Ron’s Home Team BBQ Charleston, SC Deepwater Soul Society Kickin’ Chicken Charleston, SC

Perpetual Groove The Music Farm Charleston, SC

Superstanza Clemson University Clemson, SC

The Avett Brothers House of Blues N. Myrtle Beach, SC

The Influence Island Bar & Grill Surfside Beach, SC

08/21/10 :Saturday

The Packway Handle Band 40 Watt Club Athens, GA

Virtual Boy New Earth Music Hall Athens, GA

Death On Two Wheels Sky City Augusta, GA

The Train Wrecks Rocks on the Roof Savannah, GA

Chris Barron Club 828 Asheville, NC

The Werks Emerald Lounge Asheville, NC Chronicles of the Landsquid

PERICLES Mo Daddy’s Asheville, NC

The Enemy Lovers

Brian Mcgee & The Hollow Speed Stella Blue Asheville, NC

Coheed and Cambria

The Dear Hunter

Porcupine Tree Thomas Wolfe Auditorium Asheville, NC

The Funk Messengers Tressa’s Downtown Jazz & Blues Asheville, NC

Invisible Airplanes

Pluto Is A Planet Pura Vida Worldly Art Charlotte, NC

Now You See Them The Evening Muse Charlotte, NC

Casey Driessen

The Wood Brothers

Zac Brown Band Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Charlotte, NC

Rebel Son The Doghouse Fayetteville, NC Lee Brice The Music Farm Charleston, SC

Deepwater Soul Society Triangle Char Bar Charleston, SC

The Papa String Band Cafe Millwood Columbia, SC

Ryan Bonner The White Mule Columbia, SC

Farewell Flight The Channel Greenville, SC

The Avett Brothers House of Blues N. Myrtle Beach, SC

Matt Duke

Josh Hoge Downstairs Live North Augusta, SC

The Freeloaders Pawleys Island Tavern Pawleys Island, SC

Josh Roberts and the Hinges Fiery Ron’s Home Team BBQ Sullivan’s Island, SC

08/22/10 :: Sunday

The Train Wrecks The Sequel Savannah, GA

Jack Johnson

G. Love & Special Sauce

ALO Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Charlotte, NC

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Worst of Awards 2010


Worst Magician

Winner: Mayor Benjamin.  The only man we know who can turn a Suburban into a Mercedez SUV.  (Nice of your housekeeper to lend you her old wheels during the campaign so you could appear plebian.)  However, he’ll only perform the trick if given the opportunity to put the previous mayor’s breakfast waitress in a permanent coma.

Runner-up: Nikki Haley.  She can make all acts of adultery disappear with a simple wagging of the dog.


Worst Display of Idiocy by a USC College Athlete

Winner: The USC baseball player who whipped a cigarrello out of his pocket during the parade through downtown Columbia and tossed the wrapper at the milling crowd.  Nice display of litterbuggery and tact all at once!


Worst Weekend Brunch

Winner: Oliver Gospel Mission.

Runner-up: The Rosewood Hardee’s.  (Get a new shake machine, will you!)


Worst Live Music Venue

Winner: Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church.

Runner-up: Art Bar.  Not that we don’t like Art Bar.  It just isn’t a music venue, and they already get more blow jobs from the corporate media than their patrons do in the men’s room on a Friday night.


Worst Sushi

Winner: The Caucasian whore who walks up and down South Kilbourne Road all day long looking for migrant worker johns hanging out at the crack house kitty-corner from the Mini Mart at the corner of Live Oak.

Runner-up: Bi-Lo.


Worst Urinal Cakes

Winner: Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center.  (Needs more marzipan.)

Runner-up: The trough at Group Therapy.


Worst Type of Animal with which to Engage in Acts of Bestiality

Winner: Jim DeMint

Runner-up: That poor horse.


Worst Use of Taxpayer Money

Winner: Salary for General Assembly members.

Runner-up: Health care benefits for General Assembly members.

Second Runner-up: Retirement plans for General Assembly members.


Worst Billboard

Winner: We are so sick of that religious organization that keeps posting inspiring slogans from the likes of Mr. Rogers and “that guy who died of cancer but wrote some inspiring book.”  Show me bikini shots on those cool new digital billboards!


Worst City Paper Wannabe from the Far Right

Winner: FITS News.

Runner-up: The Nerve (South Carolina Policy Council)


Worst Homeless Hotel

Winner: The old SCANA building downtown.

Runner-up: Assembly Street post office.


Worst Place to Meet Your Cardiologist for Dinner

The Ale House

Their pub burger is one of the best things going. Throw in a bucket of beers and you’re doing some serious damage. ...Serious delicious damage. Unless you’ve already got a double bypass or two under your belt, though, you may as well go ahead and have seconds. A small price to pay.

Worst Shot: The Whitesnake

Ingredients: 10 oz. white wine from Aldi (screw cap)
1 shot silver tequila
1 handful of ice cubes
1 tab of trucker speed (may substitute with No-Doz)
1 tube of pink bubble gum flavored lipstick

Directions:Pour wine and tequila into a red plastic cup. Drop in trucker speed and ice. Stir. Apply pink lipstick to rim to garnish. Insert Def Leppard cassette into Camaro tape deck, let stand 10 minutes while you start a fight with Candy cause you saw that bitch talking to Donny out front of the minimart again, then serve.

Worst Karaoke Song

“(Somewhere) Over the Rainbow”

Ladies, save this one for the privacy of your homes. Men, any of you who would even select that song, much less sing it, should be put on some type of neighborhood watch list. A City Paper staffer recently saw a rendition of this classic tune clear the room at a karaoke bar off Decker. Not pretty.

Worst New Dance Trend

Beatin’ Up the Beat

Let’s leave it to the Jersey Shore guidos. We expect our Myrtle Beach guidos to have a little more panache.

Worst Bar Bathroom

Group Therapy men’s room trough

The five-time reigning Worst Ofs champ. The Group men’s room trough is as much of a Columbia institution as the bar itself.
Kelly’s once attempted to replicate it but their bathroom has become more well known for a 100% chance of flurries.

Worst Bartender

Aaron Johnson of “Drinking in the Morning with Aaron Grant”
This is a “so bad it’s good” type of nomination. Johnson’s cavalier blending of mixers and liquors –essentially whatever appears to be within arms reach—has produced as many moments of drink-making brilliance as disasters for those of us who take notes and mix them at home. Whatever the concoction, they perfectly grease the rails of Columbia’s best Internet show.

Worst Place to Be If You’re Trying to Cut Down on Your Chocolate Intake

In front of a truffle display from It’s The Chocolate Shop.Blueberry Honey Basil, Seafoam, Lemon Cream and tons more interesting flavors. Pop one and you’re shaking hands with potential addiction. City Paper laptop keyboards have been smeared with chocolaty fingerprints since we discovered them.

Worst Gangbanger Automobile Detail Job

Winner: That idiot driving around town in the ‘85 Impala with Three Musketeers candy bar stickers applied sideways on his doors.

Runner-up: The Columbia City Paper serial killer Mystery Machine (disrespecting the Crips, the Bloods and stucco union workers everywhere!)

Worst New South Carolina Statistic

S.C. voted 8th Laziest State

Business Week magazine, pulling from various government studies, released a report on the nation’s laziest states and the Palmetto State made the top 10. We like to think of it as just relaxing.


Worst Representation of S.C. in the National Sphere

Senator Jake Knotts

Many local citizens prepare to cringe and groan whenever South Carolina is mentioned in any sort of national dialogue, fearing a further perpetuation of the negative stereotypes about our state. Enter Boss Hogg caricature Jake Knotts throwing the term “raghead” around to describe a fellow legislator (not to mention President Obama) and, well, our state’s image will remain in the toilet for another few decades. Cringe away.

Worst Area to Hit a Police CheckpointCayce/West Columbia

Defending Worst Of champs. “You back sassin’ me, boy?!”

Worst Investment

New inflatable river inner tube
Between the raw sewage spills and coal tar gunk, state health officials have had the Congaree River off limits for the better part of the summer. No fun. (But, it beats Hep C).

Worst Shame in Local Sports
Continued

NCAA boycott

It goes without saying, but we’ll say it anyway. USC has some of the classiest, state-of-the-art facilities in the SEC with the Carolina Center and Carolina Stadium. Our baseball team is the sitting national champion. But we can’t host college tournaments and bring that revenue to Columbia because of a few misguided and inept state legislators. It’s getting old, folks. Let’s vote them out already!

Worst Radio Station

Too many bad ones to pick from
Our dial has eight programmable stations and only four made the cut.  WUSC, WXRY, NPR and Steve FM are all programmed twice... though FOX 102 gets an honorable mention.

Worst Advertising Trend

Nutty flash and video ads online

We don’t click on news items because we want the lady in the car dealership ad to pop out, walk into the middle of the screen and start talking about financing rates. And it’s no fun to click on a video pane as three video-based ads run in the margin without being initiated and hog all the memory. We seem to be backsliding back to the wild west days of rampant pop up ads.

Worst Wait

Waiting for Cock n’ Bull to reopen
“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.” -Edna St. Vincent Millay