Monday, May 24, 2010

Paul Blake: Letting The Chips Fall

Since I founded Columbia City Paper five years ago with just a stick and some clay, I've made my fair share of powerful enemies in this state. (Lindsey Graham's boyfriend comes to mind...) But, I don't want to make this post about me, Paul Blake, or how I started Columbia's only locally-owned alternative newsweekly on a rainy August day in 2005 in a struggling market, during a time that is tough for old-fashioned journalism. There's no shortage of opinions about me,, or the impact it's having on South Carolina politics. I like to think that the stories I write, the debates I drive, and the opinions I help shape all speak to the Viagra-solid potency of the brand I've created.

Over the past several weeks, political operatives have been working to destroy this newspaper and my credibility. I suspect this network of operatives is made up of DMV employees, the liberal/communist media and possibly former WACH Fox 57 news anchor, Mike Woolfolk. Yet, Columbia City Paper continues to strive for truth and justice. I can't speak for the accuracy of FITSNews (honestly, we didn't know that rag was still online), nor can I confirm his reported affair with Republican gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley. But, I do think it is time I aired my own personal indiscretions that make it so difficult for me to cover this story impartially.

Will Folks, Paul Blake
My biggest fear is that one of those conveniently anonymous sources who always seem to be speaking to FITSNews and other political blogger types will come forward before I have a chance to share my own youthful indiscretions. For you see, I, too, have had an inappropriate physical relationship with Will Folks. That's it. I won't provide any more information or details about it. While I may request facts from public figures, I will not sit here and provide them to you.

Although I am indeed better than you, I am not perfect. Sure, I am a miracle worker running Columbia City Paper in a conservative market, but I too can have a fall from grace.

I do owe my current girlfriend, Sugar from Platinum Plus, an apology for failing to disclose certain things that took place prior to our lap dance Saturday. I know that's not the technical definition of infidelity, but it is a form of unfaithfulness that has broken the trust between us – a trust which must now be rebuilt.

Aside from Will Folk's wife, I feel no need to apologize or explain myself to anyone. We all make mistakes. I once bought the Best Buy extended warranty on an electronic device that was already covered by the manufacturers warranty. I am human. And I will survive this.

When I look in the mirror every day, I am able to say, "Damn, I am such a good-looking publisher that even the straightest right winger might think twice about reserving the right of marriage to remain between a man and a woman." My heart may be broken but my will is strong. (Ah, I said "will" didn't I?) My thoughts inevitably drift back to my William... my Willie. God, I can't quit you! Such are the ideals and passions that I promote in City Paper; the freedom to be with someone like Will Folks, if he is ever willing to open his arms to me again and hold me in his pale, hairy embrace.

Whatever happens, I am not here to capitalize on it and promote my website. I repeat, I am not here to capitalize and shamelessly self-promote myself, my newspaper or crappy blog as a result of one musky night of passion between two vulnerable men. The paper comes out this Thursday, so be sure to try to follow the other details I won't be sharing as they come to light. Take care, cheers and God Bless America.

[caption id="attachment_1669" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Will Folks, "][/caption]

Related links Link: Will Folks: Letting the Chips Fall


  1. Paul, Your honesty and forthrightness are admirable. Best of luck to you and your family.

  2. Love it! Satire at its best.

  3. Hilarious. Down in the Low Country, we' re having a field day with this.

  4. Hilarious stuff! Love it!

    Here's my look at the election situation a' la "Planet of the Apes:"

  5. Keep up the good work, this is great entertainment !

  6. Damn, you weren't supposed to say anything. You were better than Nikky, man. She was cold and calculating but, you were...everywhere. I miss you.

  7. You're a douche bag!

  8. I thought this was real until I realized it didn't say "--SMS--" at the top.

  9. Fred Garvin male prostituteOctober 11, 2010 at 2:08 PM

    This guy Paul Blake is a genius. He will someday own the planet. I hope that he will recognize me a an ally and provide me with a plot of land so that I can serve my king well.
    All hail the Citypaper kingdom and all that it stands for. JA-BULLA Hagadaga!

  10. My apologies to my friends and family:

  11. i love the stache, paul . . . i hope it's real and a 'new look' so i can see when i visit cola next! and i'm sure it goes fabulously with your van.