Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Letters to the reader

Dear panhandler on the golf course,
Man, if you go through the trouble to sneak onto the course and run down my cart, at least have a dynamic sales pitch. Don’t open with wanting a cigarette. You should lead with some dramatic story about what caused you to wander out of the woods near the cart path. I’m assuming that fish you’re holding came from the water hazard on hole 7, but you might want to explain that, too.
Columbia City Paper

Dear National Republican Congressional Committee,
Want to take cheap shots at John Spratt, eh? Kick a man with Parkinson’s while he’s down? But, Spratt wasn’t shaken, for lack of a better term. No! He stood straight and true and shook his gnarled fist in defiance. For shame, GOP! The party that hung its hat on a doddering Ronald Reagan has the brass balls to question a congressman’s mental acuity. Have you people already forgotten Ol’ Strom? He was like an animated corpse toward the end. To say nothing of Dan Quayle, even in his best years! The letter “W” ring any bells? Does Spratt read notes written on his palm? “No siree, you betcha!”
The Dems may be many things, but so far you folks have cornered the market on stunted brain function.
Columbia City Paper

Dear Ronnie James Dio,
Oh, great warrior prophet, we mourn your crossing to Valhalla and bury you with this leather cape, studded codpiece, and broadsword, so they may serve you in your exploits in the underworld. ...Sorry, we couldn’t part with the dragon saddle.
Columbia City Paper

Dear General Assembly,
You people are an open book. Granted, our state and country both need to do something to stem the tide of illegal immigration. But, hassling Hispanic people during traffic stops is just a drop in the bucket on a practical level and damned offensive when you consider the potential for racial profiling. That’s why once debate over the Arizona immigration bill reached a fever pitch, it was inevitable you guys would throw South Carolina in the mix and announce a similar bill. We’re surprised it took this long. Couldn’t let another legislative body soak up all that national revulsion alone; that’s our state’s gig!
Columbia City Paper

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