Thursday, May 20, 2010

Letters to the reader

Dear municipal theocracy,
Since Columbia City Council has been opening each meeting here at City Hall with an invocation, we ask that council please join us in a brief prayer before we make our presentation:
“We call unto thee, Accuser of the Brethren, The Old Serpent, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, who hath assembled these self-serving council members in this hall. Oh, Prince of the Power and of the Air, may you not burn these politicians in your kingdom of darkness for the way they shamelessly parade religion around for votes here in the Deep South. Yea, Prince of Tyrus, Son of Perdition, may you have a matching program for HUD loans for council members, who shall sitteth at the left hand of Abaddon in your fiery affordable housing kingdom of death.  Lucifer, please remember that while council prays publicly, behind closed doors they sit in executive session promoting thy will, oh Father of Lies. In Satan we Trust, Hail Satan. Amen.”
Ookay, moving right along, the corner of Quitman and Covenant Street could use a stop sign...
Columbia City Paper

Dear self-tanning cream bargain shopper,
Your cheap tube of cream has indeed produced a color that looks all natural. Like a natural case of jaundice. You could’ve just drank heavily for a few weeks, had way more fun, and gotten the same effect. Plus, that effect wouldn’t rub off on my upholstery.
Columbia City Paper

Dear social networking enthusiasts,
People talking about Facebook in public is scary enough, but now your networking group has taken it a step further by calling meetings specifically to talk about how to use things like Farmville. You fools! Don’t you realize the implications?! A virtual waste of time has now spilled forth into our realm and manifested itself as an actual, three-dimensional waste of time! Heed our warning! If someone figures out a way to Tweet via Farmville avatars –a scenario in which a person could begin Tweeting with oneself—the whole fabric of waste-time could fold in on itself. We’ll have to revert back to traditional chat rooms and online Sudoku!
Please, folks, just waste your time in the privacy of your own homes.
Columbia City Paper

Dear city police,
The recent firing of Chief Carter has left us perplexed. We’re sure the officers investigating Mayor Elect Benjamin’s car crash are great at what they do, but why not comply with city council and turn over the case to another law enforcement agency to ease public concern over a potential conflict of interest? Hell, if this city government –which has proudly, brazenly taken conflicts of interest to bold new heights—is worried about public perception, it must be a major concern.
Hey, and while you’re turning over documents, can you guys get Brick Lewis in the city PR department to respond to our FOIA requests for records

Columbia City Paper

Dear Executive Director Merritt Mchaffie at the Five Point Association,

While we are at it, we noticed that you are awfully chatty with some other media in town and wonder if you charge them hundreds of dollars to photocopy financials that are open to public inspection. If we sold you an advertisement could we sit down and look at those documents we requested in March?
Columbia City Paper

Dear media law attorney,
Please advise on the above Freedom of Information Act issues. (But, if you round up for a full hour, we can only pay in restaurant coupons.) Thanks!
Columbia City Paper

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