Friday, March 26, 2010

Letters to the reader

Dear elderly gentleman at the bus stop,
Considering April is upon us, I’ll assume the fact that you’re wearing a lime green suit and openly urinating at the corner of Rosewood and Beltline is part of your regular modus operandi and not related to St. Patrick’s Day. You definitely get some style points for both, but at least aim back toward the trees in this wind, man. I just washed my car.
Columbia City Paper

Dear people whose armpits reek as a misguided socio-political statement,
You want to really make a point, go vote in the municipal election on April 6. Let’s stink for a better tomorrow!
Columbia City Paper

Dear coworkers who just busted me on an Ab Slider machine,
Oh! Uh… What’s wrong with this little vacuum cleaner I found in the supply closet? I had to get down on my hands and knees to try to get under this chair, but it won’t turn on. That? I’m streaming an exercise video, dude. They, er, have the hottest chicks.
So, you fellas want to grab some lunch? Yeah, let’s just go ahead and get out of this room, altogether. …Nah, I’m good to go. I wear these bicycle shorts and sweatbands all the time.
Columbia City Paper

Dear ancient guardians of the Seventh Seal,
The same Kenny Loggins song has now trumpeted twice in one week. The forces of darkness are ushering forth. It has been half a generation since “Meet Me Halfway” was played in public at all. Now it sounds twice between two Sabbaths! God help us, Loggins, what have you unleashed?
Columbia City Paper

Dear fellow Tiger Beat readers,
Well, at least we’ve still got Feldman. ...And for as long as blood flows in that Corey’s veins, there’s still a chance for Goonies 2.
Columbia City Paper

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