Friday, December 18, 2009

Letters to the reader

Dear Internet comment boards,

Does the web really need you anymore? To be frank, who really cares what the average asshole thinks about any given post? Inevitably, “godawgs75” gets into it with “harleyguy ” over some trifle completely unrelated to the thread. Next thing you know, the dreg types who get off on “Jersey Shore” have taken over –checking back on each other’s reply comments, which is even more pathetic—and at the end of the day it just ends up hogging the site’s hard earned bandwidth.

Maybe someone out there should just start Argue.com. Post a random daily opinion sentence and let commenters interface with a state-of-the-art comment board that allows them to forge alliances with other users, more conveniently start and track sub-arguments, deploy a whole range of sociopathic emoticons, and keep up with rival replies from various theaters of battle. Supplement it with an iPhone or Drone app and bitter housewives can take out their aggressions in anonymity from anywhere. And, more importantly, spare the rest of us.

Columbia City Paper


Dear televangelism fans,

Sadly, one of the founding fathers of televangelism, Oral Roberts, has been called to heaven (or possibly the other place). Assuming the former, we can only hope that he now sits at the right hand of the 900-foot-tall Jesus that commanded him to solicit millions from viewers to build a skyscraper in Tulsa. Doctors said he succumbed to complications from pneumonia, but, c’mon, Oral Roberts claimed to have raised a little kid from the dead and said he held regular chats with the omnipotent creator of the universe. And, you’re telling me he can’t shake pneumonia? We all know it was really the economy. Remember back in the 80s when he said God would “call him home” if he didn’t raise $8 million and everyone freaked out and sent him $9 million just to be safe? ...Looks like he just didn’t meet his quota this year.

Columbia City Paper

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