Sunday, December 13, 2009

Columbia City Paper's Bipartisan Gift Guide

by Todd Morehead

santajesus


As one of the more memorable legislative sessions in years draws to a close, many hope to find solace in hearth and home this holiday season; a chance to lick political wounds and heal families torn asunder by screaming Thanksgiving debates over health care and taxes. This year to help families reach across the aisle during the gift exchange, we introduce the Bipartisan Gift Guide. Because City Paper believes, whatever your political persuasion, together we can salvage Christmas.


For the liberal on your gift list



Communist T-Shirt

Chances are, any commie liberal arts majors on your list already have Che Guevera and Mao Zedong gear in the dorm room closet. But they can be the trendiest socialist in line for public health care with a Communist Party of China T-shirt.  Price: $16.99.

Available at NeofactionApparel.com.

Vegan Cat Food

Forget trying to get the perfect gift for the vegan in your family. Anyone who refuses to eat broccoli at Thanksgiving because technically it has a circulatory system is bound to turn up a nose at anything a deer-hunting bumpkin like yourself is wont to buy. The next best thing you can do: buy a gift for the cat. We recommend Vegecat brand powder supplement for vegan cats. Price: $10.

Available via special order through your local health food market or online.

Men’s Body Thong

hangtight

So you’re shopping for your nephew who’s a little light in the loafers. He’s still got a few years before he closets himself, puts on a bowtie and runs for state office, so what do you buy him until then? Underwear? A pack of T-shirts? Why not both? The men’s body thong perfectly blends the crack-splitting appeal of a thong with the durability of a tank top in a one-piece mesh design.

Price: $18 - $30.

Available locally at Nancy’s Nook or online at ABCUnderwear.com.

Designer Eyewear

Notice that your brother-in-law has been squinting onstage while playing accordion with his art-rock band? A new pair of hipster glasses may help him see the error of his ways and will look more presentable for the insurance sales job that’s just come open at your firm.

Available at Frame of Mind, Columbia.

Solar-Powered Hat

Perfect for the granola aunt who’s always preaching about global warming and energy consumption. Tell her to put her money where her mouth is, pack up her energy-guzzling air conditioner and wear your Christmas gift: the Sun Mate 692 Solar Safari Cool Hat. A lightweight solar panel powers an onboard fan. When you care enough about the planet to sacrifice your dignity.

Price: $29.99.

Available at Amazon.com.

U.S. Treasury Bond

By the time the sniveling liberal grad student in your family realizes his Ph. D in the history of Baroque art will never pay dividends, it will be time for him to cash in your bond to supplement the welfare he’s on and add to the bus fare to his job washing dishes at a coffee shop.

Deodorant

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Maybe, just maybe, on a good day you might catch a glimmer of the logic your rank, nouveau hippie relative uses for electing not to use deodorant for socio-political reasons. Actually, scratch that. There’s no good reason.

Price: $3.99.

Available everywhere.

One-Way Ticket to the Arctic

Give the preachy animal rights lib the chance to live that “Save the Polar Bears” bumper sticker by buying a one-way ticket to Iqaluit, Nunavut Territory.

Price: $849.

Available at Travelocity.com.

Bunk Beds

If the bleeding-heart liberals in your family are so concerned about illegal aliens coming into this country and stealing American jobs, you may as well give them bunk beds to house the overflow of immigrants. We recommend the ladder-end-style bunk bed from the Great American Bunk Bed Company.

Price: Call for pricing.

Available at Dr. Z’s Bedroom Center.

For the conservative on your gift list



Holy Toast Stamper

marytoast

It might not be true for the oil stain in the driveway, but next time your crazy aunt claims to see the Virgin Mary’s face on a piece of toast she’ll actually be correct. The Fred™ Holy Toast Stamper is made of durable plastic and imprints a flawless design of the Holy Mother on standard size slices of toast. Price: $3.99. Visit WorldWideFred.com and use the store locater to find a local merchant that carries Fred products.

Gimp Mask

gimpmask

Having already gifted sex swings and latex genitalia, are you at a loss for what to get the feisty Republican politician on your list?

In the age of the hidden camera, you can’t go wrong with the fun and discretion provided by a bondage hood. Made with breathable leather, hoods come with accessories such as leashes, gags, zipper slits and bag style hood designs for that Abu Ghraib feel. Price $37.95.

Available at Nancy’s Nook.

Fetus Corsage

Help conservative pro-lifers on your list hold their creepy roadside vigils in style with fetus corsage pins. Each pin features an actual size “micropreemie” doll at 8 weeks gestation, set within a tasteful floral design. $2.50 each. Lapel pins featuring angels holding fetus: $5.00 each. Available at GodsLittleOnes.com.

Health Savings Account

Have a conservative in your family who yelled himself hoarse about death panels at a town hall meeting? Chances are he could develop a vocal chord polyp down the road. Assuming this relative was laid off from his job during the Bush administration and can’t get health insurance to treat it due to a preexisting condition, what better gift to bestow upon him than a health savings account? Price: Varies. Contact: HSA Bank for more information.

Georgian-era Outfit

Send them to the next tea party rally in style with a greatcoat, breeches and powdered wig reminiscent of the American founding fathers.

Live Rattlesnakes / Running Shoes

Rattlesnakes make a great stocking stuffer for any religious snake handler. That said, venomous reptiles are often hard to acquire. Your better bet might be a new pair of running shoes for the grandmother who has been in a wheelchair her whole life but plans to walk again after a trip to the faith healer. Running shoes available at: Strictly Running in Five Points.

Hammock

The Hennessey Expedition hammock provides ultimate comfort for any conservative camped out in the legislative halls while lobbying and/or filibustering during the next general session. Featuring full velcro entrance seal, mosquito netting and a mesh pocket on the ridgeline, a conservative will be able to derail most any bill that comes his or her way. Price: $139.95. Available at Get Your Gear On.

Palmetto Tree Bowtie

bowtieName a backwards social policy, shady real estate deal or racial epithet of local merit and chances are it came from behind a palmetto tree bowtie. As Cackalacky as Maurice’s Barbecue. Price: $38.00. Available at the SC.gov online shopping mall.

Bob Jones University Bumper Sticker

Why mince words? Especially on your bumper. The “God Bless Bob Jones University” bumper sticker with rebel flag design is certain to please any conservative this holiday season. Available via phone order at the Redneck Shop, Laurens, SC.

2 comments:

  1. Check out this informative and inspiring video on why people choose vegan: http://veganvideo.org/

    Also see Gary Yourofsky: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bagt5L9wXGo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love the palmetto tree bowtie. so true.
    and the descriptions are hilarious.

    ReplyDelete