Worst Part of State Government
South Carolina State Legislature
Weâ€™ve been riding DHEC for five years now and with good reason. But letâ€™s not forget our horribly underfunded public schools â€” 11 out of the 25 worst schools in the United States are in South Carolina. Plus, there are all the usual reasons that make most sane residents of this state wake up screaming in the shadow of the Confederate Flag.
Worst Representation of South Carolina A five-way tie:
Leon Lott vs. Michael Phelps
Henry McMaster vs. Craigslist
Mark Sanfordâ€™s affair
The guy who had sex with a horse
Joe Wilsonâ€™s â€œYou Lieâ€ outburst
Worst Political Counter Move
Andre Bauer on Homosexuality
Blogger Mike Rogers, who outed both Larry Craig and Mark Foley, recently cited male sources who claimed to have had sex with Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer. Instead of letting the rumors die, Bauer brought up the subject himself during an interview with the State and then allowed state Sen. Jake Knotts to distribute a letter that blamed the rumors on Sanford staffers.
What a drama queen!
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Worst Use of Taxpayer Money
Hospitality Tax Funding
Since 2003, the Columbia City Council and the state Department of Revenue have been overcharging local restaurants to assist their buddies. Hereâ€™s what the racket seems to be: They use the tax revenue to create business guilds that charge members dues and then the organizers lobby for additional tax dollars with which to line their own pockets. The scam is so great, weâ€™re ashamed we didnâ€™t think of it ourselves.
Worst Moonlighting Gig
Well, itâ€™s the worst gig if youâ€™re the chair of the State Board of Education, anyway. Kristin Maguire, also a former Republican committee member, allegedly authored erotic fiction under the pen name Bridget Keeney. Nothing against writing smut â€” especially coming from us â€” but itâ€™s just another example of the conservative GOP hypocrisy. Hereâ€™s a quick excerpt from Keeneyâ€™s story â€œContinental Cuisine:â€
â€œThe rhythmic sway of the train car added to the bobbing of my head as I sucked deeply. [...] My hands were braced on Erikâ€™s hips to keep us in synch. [...] His friend Joren was watching us. I gazed at him in the dim light from the moon as I slid my hands under Erikâ€™s balls. [...] I had come to Europe for new experiences. Sucking off two strangers in a train car would definitely count as one.â€
Worst Good Olâ€™ Boy Hire
The former city manager accidentally misplaced $30 million in city reserves yet apparently is the perfect candidate for a deanship at Benedict College.
Worst Local TV Show
Lion of Judah Worship Centerâ€™s â€œMiracle Serviceâ€ on Cable Channel 4
This is a spectacle so bizarre itâ€™s good. Watching a West Columbia faith healer claim to speak for God and then dupe a mentally deficient congregation is somehow fun, enraging and sad all at the same time.
Worst Advertising Scheme
Best Of Awards
A Best Of Award from corporate media is the equivalent of your nephewâ€™s Little League trophy: They get one just for showing up. Or, in the case of some local Best Of Awards, advertisers get one just for having a checkbook and a pen. Hereâ€™s the trick: To read a Best Of issue properly, you must insert some language â€” you know, like putting â€œin bedâ€ at the end of your fortune-cookie fortune. Next time, when you read â€œBest Bar,â€ instead read â€œBest Bar Whoâ€™s Giving Us Money.â€
Worst Print Publication
Carolina Panorama is Bizarro Columbia City Paper. It prints only positive news! And that makes sense for a state like South Carolina, where the official unemployment number hovers around 10 percent, the illiteracy rate is the third-highest in the nation, and crime is beating in your back door. Finally, as much as we love positive news, we must deliver a negative message for Carolina Panoramaâ€™s publisher: Stop putting your awful newspaper on the top portion of our racks.
Worst Local Advertisement
COF Columbia Office Furniture
Last year, we had no trouble making fun of the $99 office chair guy. But this year, the old man has outdone himself, holding up his granddaughter in what seems to be a desperate plea for you chain-loving bastards to think of small family-owned businesses this holiday season.
Worst Editorial Playbook
Columbiaâ€™s daily fishwrap ran 359 anti-Sanford articles but was the only major newspaper in South Carolina not to call the international playboyâ€™s resignation.
Worst Karaoke Song
(No such thing.)
Worst Pick Up Line
â€œExcuse me, havenâ€™t I seen you in a Bang Bus video?â€
The Discombobulated Sasquatch
... Or: anything mixed on the fly during the interview segment of Drinking in the Morning with Aaron and Grant.
St. Pattyâ€™s Day Festival Port-a-John
There hasnâ€™t been this much fecal matter concentrated in one spot since the Five Points Association opened its visitors center.
Worst Rock Scene Trend
The Whole Frigginâ€™ Thing
Put down the xylophones and synthesizers, get Lasik, and bring some danger and bravado back to rock â€˜nâ€™ roll. Just because you walk around the club with your shirt off after the show doesnâ€™t excuse the fact that your band sounds like REO Speedwagon.
Worst Hip-Hop Scene Trend
Why not buy an Alvin and the Chipmunks R&B album and be done with it?
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Worst Thug Fashion
Spongebob Squarepants Ganstawear
According to the cops, Spongebob clothing is related to a street gang â€” and believe us, fellas, we mean no disrespect here â€” but maybe yâ€™all could find a scarier cartoon character related to the number five?
Worst Place for Public Sex
This is a popular spot for cops to bust teenagers and Republican legislators to engage in sex acts (sometimes with each other).
Worst Place for a Picnic
West Columbia River Walk
By this, weâ€™re talking specifically about the Columbia Farms chicken plant side of River Walk. It comes with a truly Biblical stench. Add the hobos bathing on the rocks and thereâ€™s just no way to salvage your picnic.
Fluorescent 1980s throwbacks
Why do fashion boutiques these days look like K-Mart in 1986?
Worst Shame in Local Sports
No South Carolina IWFL team
We had a brief semi-pro tease with the Columbia Stingers indoor football league a couple of years ago. But what this town needs is a semi-pro womenâ€™s football league. North Carolina has three! Weâ€™re talking women with crew cuts and missing teeth. Think we could convince a local roller girl or two to test their mettle, put on some shoulder pads, and go full tackle with a 200-pound nose guard from High Point?
Worst Tattoo Parlor
Richland County Detention Center
U.S. food labeling
The liberties the Food and Drug Administration allows in the promotion of food products are not only getting out of hand â€” theyâ€™re becoming a national security issue. Earlier this month, the Pentagon reported that more than one-third of Army recruits aged 17 to 24 are too fat for service.
No Turn On Red
These signs are misplaced throughout the city. Our favorite is the one at Main and Gervais where there isnâ€™t even a cross street. As for Five Points, packed with pedestrians and drunken drivers, no need for any signs there!
Worst Homeless Hotel
Or: Five Points Post Office