With the primaries finally over â€“ although it hasnâ€™t really
sunk in: I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, thinking itâ€™s
2037 and hearing Hillary say â€œIf I win in Guam, theyâ€™ll have to give me the
nominationâ€ â€“ itâ€™s on to other business. In addition to all the talks of
strategies, all the big money is going into the â€œWhoâ€™ll be VPâ€ pool.
Well, Iâ€™m here to make everyoneâ€™s life a little easier â€“
Doesnâ€™t matter which party, Iâ€™m the best choice, and hereâ€™s
why: Iâ€™m an unknown, no baggage, no political paper trail, never abused
substances, have nice teeth, and aside from that little incident many years ago
when I was naked in the back of an open-topped jeep with a reindeer and a young
woman who had just gotten rave notices as Lady MacBeth, my nose is clean.
I lack ambition. Not only donâ€™t I want to be president, Iâ€™ve
no interest in making deals with Satan, no matter how high he says my stock
options will go.
I donâ€™t own any stock options.
Iâ€™m not evil, and I have a human heart. (Iâ€™m not sure if
thereâ€™s a correlation between the two, but â€¦Iâ€™m just sayinâ€™.)
I donâ€™t know anyone in the oil business. I even call my
mechanic â€œMr.â€ â€“ frankly at his prices, I should call him â€œDr.â€
I also donâ€™t know anyone in Saudi Arabia, nor do I have any
intention of moving my offices to Dubai. In fact, Iâ€™m not even sure where Dubai
is, and my â€˜officesâ€™ is the den next to the garage in my house.
Iâ€™m a coward; I donâ€™t now, nor have I ever â€œhad other
I donâ€™t hunt. Now, that may not make me very popular with
the NRA crowd, but I do know my way around firearms if that helps. More to the
point, if you showed me one hundred pictures of a bird and one hundred pictures
of a manâ€™s face, I could tell the difference every timeâ€¦every time.
Iâ€™ve read enough history to know that a region thatâ€™s been
in conflict since the Old Testament was daily news is never going to treat an
occupying army as â€œliberators.â€
Finally, milk doesnâ€™t curdle, children donâ€™t begin to cry,
and flowers donâ€™t wither and die when I walk by.
So you can see how I'd be the perfect choice for Vice President... hell, I'd even talk to networks other than FOX.