Friday, July 11, 2008

Dull Ache

Me For Veep

With the primaries finally over – although it hasn’t really
sunk in: I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, thinking it’s
2037 and hearing Hillary say “If I win in Guam, they’ll have to give me the
nomination” – it’s on to other business. In addition to all the talks of
strategies, all the big money is going into the “Who’ll be VP” pool.


Well, I’m here to make everyone’s life a little easier –
pick me.


Doesn’t matter which party, I’m the best choice, and here’s
why: I’m an unknown, no baggage, no political paper trail, never abused
substances, have nice teeth, and aside from that little incident many years ago
when I was naked in the back of an open-topped jeep with a reindeer and a young
woman who had just gotten rave notices as Lady MacBeth, my nose is clean.


I lack ambition. Not only don’t I want to be president, I’ve
no interest in making deals with Satan, no matter how high he says my stock
options will go.


I don’t own any stock options.


I’m not evil, and I have a human heart. (I’m not sure if
there’s a correlation between the two, but …I’m just sayin’.)


I don’t know anyone in the oil business. I even call my
mechanic “Mr.” – frankly at his prices, I should call him “Dr.”


I also don’t know anyone in Saudi Arabia, nor do I have any
intention of moving my offices to Dubai. In fact, I’m not even sure where Dubai
is, and my ‘offices’ is the den next to the garage in my house.


I’m a coward; I don’t now, nor have I ever “had other


I don’t hunt. Now, that may not make me very popular with
the NRA crowd, but I do know my way around firearms if that helps. More to the
point, if you showed me one hundred pictures of a bird and one hundred pictures
of a man’s face, I could tell the difference every time…every time.


I’ve read enough history to know that a region that’s been
in conflict since the Old Testament was daily news is never going to treat an
occupying army as “liberators.”


Finally, milk doesn’t curdle, children don’t begin to cry,
and flowers don’t wither and die when I walk by.


So you can see how I'd be the perfect choice for Vice President... hell, I'd even talk to networks other than FOX.

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