Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Dear bachelor party

Dear Kenny’s parking garage fiasco,
OK, so there are some who are upset that Rickenmann made money on the Kenny’s sale, some who are concerned about potential benzene contamination onsite, a potentially unstable foundation due to the Columbia waterworks system beneath, height requirement issues, tax dollars at stake, et cetera. And there are business owners and shoppers who believe the problems above are easily fixed, who support the idea and think it will go off without a hitch. Well, here’s what we think should happen with the Kenny’s site: …scrap the garage and build a third, jumbo-sized fountain.
    For this new 1.5-acre super fountain, we propose importing purebred Mandarin ducks and using hospitality tax dollars to commission giant baroque statuary of city council and FPA board members spewing water in the center. Throw in some paddleboats and viola! Problem solved.
Columbia City Paper

Dear bachelor party,
Man, there’s nothing like a night out with the boys. Friends, fellowship, a few drinks… finding yourself forced onto a stage at a crowded strip club on all fours in a kiddie pool full of chocolate pudding with your belt tied around your neck and a stripper astride your back, riding you like a horse while your buddies snap photos for your fiancé. Not to mention the effort of trying to smile apologetically to your future brother-in-law in the crowd through a pair of balled up panties that have been stuffed in your mouth.
    “Wow,” you’ll think to yourself, while the DJ mocks your plight over the PA system, “thanks for these special memories, guys. But, instead of buying another few rounds, why not just loan me that cash for all the therapy I’m gonna need.”
Columbia City Paper

Dear popular Five Points eatery,

According to a source close to the story, a slobbering drunk recently made a mess of himself near your door. As a restaurant employee rushed toward the area with a mop, the owner reportedly yelled, “No! Not our mop!” and then ran toward the front door. Passing stacks of flyers and outdated apartment guides in the foyer and rack upon rack of free papers outside the door, the owner allegedly ran halfway down the block to grab a stack of City Paper and then hurried back in with them to sop up the mess.
    We don’t know if it’s true, but we fell over laughing when we heard the story nonetheless. Score one for you!
Columbia City Paper    
Dear early morning delight,

Collectively our breath smells like a dumpster, my love, but the red crease mark across your face and your matted hair are driving me wild. And as I gaze upon you through my crust filled eyes, I feel an overwhelming urge to take you right here! Just like that other time last month, while your were half-watching “Good Morning America” and sipping intermittently from a cup of coffee on the nightstand while I labored away, worshiping at the altar of every supple curve and panting heavily through my sleep apnea mask.
Columbia City Paper

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