Wednesday, April 9, 2008

To The Reader

Earth Day tips in this batch of Letters To The Reader:

Try hunting birds and squirrels on your office campus for a low-fat meal....

Dear S.C. Highway Patrolman,
Yes sir, that’s a City Paper bumper sticker. ...Oh, thanks. I’ve never been told I had a “purty mouth” before. ...What? My tail light’s out? Funny, I just had it replaced and— No, sir, that wasn’t “sass,” I just... Wait, you’re turning off your dash cam and calling Cayce PD for backup?! NO--!
Columbia City Paper

Dear last minute economics paper,
Truckers recently went on strike to, like, protest rising gas prices and stagnating wages and stuff. But, what about pizza delivery drivers? You know, dudes like me.
As franchises fight for business in a weakening economy they are forced to lower prices which effects tip percentages and wages, which are further burdened by rising fuel costs. Take Marty: man that dude is like, for real, at least two months behind on rent that he owes, but he’s totally pulling doubles. And as drivers have less income to spend, the video game, comic book and marijuana markets will all continue a collective downward spiral.
So, uh, in conclusion, we should like bomb OPEC or something.
Chet Martin, ECON 320

Dear third time I’ve gotten an email about a state senator leaving his pregnant dog at an animal shelter,
Does it suck? Yeah. We are all pet lovers and we agree. Is it legal? Yep. Is this really news? That’s debatable. (But, hey, at least he didn’t tie her up in a burlap sack and toss her into the river like some South Carolinians do.) Should someone sign out of their Hotmail account, go adopt the poor dog and then send out a press release for a feel-good, human interest piece replete with photos of puppies for the State Neighbors section? You know it! Will bloggers and editorial pages spin this it into a political hatchet job? Let me guess…
Columbia City Paper

Dear Earth Day participants,
Still unsure about how you can participate in Earth Day activities on April 22? Here are a few suggestions that are both healthy and responsible. For starters: carpool to work. Better yet, ride a bike. If you don’t own a bike, try saddling a mule or use a team of dogs to pull you in a makeshift carriage. You’ll reduce your carbon footprint and they’ll love the exercise.
To cut down on plastic lunch containers and save electricity, try hunting birds and squirrels on your office campus for a low-fat meal. Remember: if no kindling is available for firewood, devour your kill raw rather than felling healthy tree limbs. (Don’t forget to wash up in a nearby stream before heading back to that late afternoon meeting.) Another way to save water and also refortify the soil is to suggest an office latrine. We recommend you dig it at a respectable distance from the parking lot and be sure to check with DHEC for specific regulations. Have other unorthodox Earth Day suggestions? Share them on our chat board at
Columbia City Paper

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