Wednesday, April 9, 2008

A Dull Ache


I realize all you folks who bought caves in the middle of nowhere and truckloads of freeze dried mac & cheese back in 1999 were a little disappointed when the world didn’t fall apart as the millennium turned. It’s probably why most of you potential cave-dwellers voted Bush/Cheney – just one look at those two and you knew they’d hasten the end of days.
Since then, there has been sign after sign that we are running out of time. It’s hard to say where it all started. Certainly Bush’s non-election in 2000 is a good guess. But since then it’s hard to keep track. In no particular order and counting the one above, here may be the other five broken Seals that have unleashed horror upon the world:
The Democratic YouTube debate
George W. Bush re-elected
Alberto Gonzales
Cheney’s resurrection via mechanical heart
A black man and a white woman as leading candidates for the presidency of the United States (tell me that ain’t Little Horn working overtime…you know, giving you a glimpse of hope than screwing you.)
Then, just the other day, I witnessed the final piece of the apocalyptic puzzle : the personal Taser…in designer colors. And, (this is why I know I’m going to be stuck in traffic behind Four guys riding horses), I saw it on a half-hour TV infomercial. 
You heard me, right there on the glass teat where we get the misinformation that misinforms all our lives. Now, from the comfort of your own home, using the same telephone you use to get the power of steam to clean your kitchen counters, from the same couch where you order the George Foreman Grill so you can ‘knock out the fat’, you can get the latest in personal defense technology: your own Taser in these terrific designer colors: Black Pearl, Blue, Metalllic Pink, Titanium Silver, Red Hot, Leopard, Fashion Pink, Desert Camo, and Forest Camo.
And because it’s non-lethal, many people who don’t want a gun in the house would love to have one of these elegant beauties sitting on the sideboard for guests to fawn over. 
Of course there’s no chance for abuse. I mean there is no way an angry wife is going to tase her husband for coming home late one night. Nor is there any chance of a teenage boy zapping one of his friends in the nutsack because he saw it on MTV.
It gets better. You can become a Taser Party Host. Look, gals, it’s the 21st Century, why should you be stuck trying to pawn off crappy plastic wear or over-priced makeup on your friends, when you can sell them a bit of non-lethal loveliness that will not only match the purse it fits in, but will keep the kids quiet during that afternoon down time between when they get out of school and hubby comes home for dinner?
And if you order now, you’ll not only get a monogrammed tactical gear bag – great for extra cartridges, with a separate compartment for your cell phone and eye liner – you also get, absolutely free, a custom holster to proudly display your pretty, pretty non-lethal weapon. Together they make such a stylish duo, they’ll go with any outfit…
…the perfect accessory for the end of the world.

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