Thursday, March 13, 2008

Dear 8675309,

Baseball's Jock Strap Scandal & 24/7 around the .... coverage

Dear growing paranoia,
Maybe being paranoid here, but during recent CBS News coverage of the U.S. military’s non-lethal “pain ray” I found it disturbing that soldiers practice with the beam on targets carrying “Peace Not War” signs and Iraq War protest posters. Will this new weapon be used in a war zone or here at home to quiet dissent?
More importantly, has the military tested the energy ray to see if could stop a direct attack from the Lizard Man? We need to get our priorities straight...
Columbia City Paper

Dear Bonus Cards,
We are tired of forgetting you, losing you, having you curl and delaminate beyond recognition on our key chains so that we’re unable to take advantage of your slashed prices and two-for-ones on assorted canned goods. So, as a service to our readers we have registered an easy-to-remember renegade phone number at most local grocery stores.
Readers: just give the phone number 867-5309 (the cashier will be too young to know) and in the event they catch on to us, we'll simply update you with a new easy-to-remember code and the relevant store using “phone spell.” Ex: Rav’ Coke (728-2653), Bum Tent (286-8368) or Mork Egg (667-5344). You can always check our Web site and look for the “Free Bonus Card” graphic. Don’t write me a love song.
Columbia City Paper

Dear bad luck email chain letter,
Hey you know what? Delete. How can ignoring the same chain email from 1996 that threatens bad luck if you don’t forward it, possibly top the bad luck I already have? Delete, delete, delete. Next question: why is my face suddenly starting to swell and where is that tow truck going with my car?
Columbia City Paper

Dear members of congress,
There is a huge scandal that needs to be investigated by a Senate subcommittee and it isn't the war in Iraq. It has been rumored that certain professional baseball players may have been entering the field without their athletic supporters on, which is not only a danger to our country's favorite pastime; it could potentially drive testicular health care costs through the roof.
One senator from New York wears a jock strap on a regular basis and would be qualified to lead the investigation. So shut down Washington and put all taxpayer resources towards investigating these professional athletes who flap free and endanger baseball and America as we know it.
Columbia City Paper

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