Dear wack job from high school that somehow succeeded, Yeah, we�ve all heard the cliché about the nerd in school who founds a Fortune 500 company and lives like a billionaire playboy, while the star quarterback runs a hotdog stand for the rest of his life. But, dude, you were a train wreck. How can a guy who once stuck a paintbrush up his ass and made crude portraits of passersby at a party now own a company on the west coast worth millions? Not that I begrudge your success or regret going to college and taking up journalism. I guess what I�m saying is� can I borrow $50 till next month?
Columbia City Paper Dear haunted teddy bear, In hindsight, the cackling old man at the curio shop should have been the tip-off. But, like an idiot, I bought you anyway. When our five-year-old daughter kept blaming the knife marks in our mattress on you, Mr. Teddy, we just thought she needed therapy. Then the specialist we hired mysteriously disappeared after she voiced concern over little Annie�s relationship with you. (Hell, between you and me, I just figured she was out of town at a conference or something.)
But, now that you�re standing at the foot of my bed, your eyes glowing red and my filet knife clutched in your furry little paw, I�m starting to connect the dots. If everybody would just stop screaming for a second, maybe I could get a grasp on all this and react in some way. Or at least reach over to the phone and call Donny on third shift at work. He�d never believe this crap!
Columbia City Paper
Dear guy who just woke from a coma, Listen, I know this is going to come as a shock, but Pluto is no longer a planet, the icecaps are melting and polar bears will likely go extinct in the foreseeable future. �Are you sure you want to hear about politics and the economy? The nurse said to stay calm. �OK, well, gasoline hovers around $4 a gallon, the government just bought $700 billion in bad debt from private banks and, on the upside, the U.S. is on the verge of electing an African American man to the presidency. �Football? Man, we really shouldn�t go there. Your heart is still weak. �You insist? �Well, uh, Vanderbilt is Number 1 in the SEC East and� Oh my God! Nurse!
Columbia City Paper Dear attempt at reconciliation after a bizarre spat,
Listen, sweetie, I�m sorry I got mad because you said you never would�ve have dated me if I had primordial dwarfism. I mean, theoretically, it would still be me, just in a smaller frame, but�you�re right, we shouldn�t get into it again. Just curious, though: What if I contracted a shrinking disease tomorrow? �You might �stick around?� You�re a horrible human being! What if I told you I once dated a girl with Elephantitis?! �Great, so now you�re saying I�m too shallow to date a girl with Elephantitis! Well, maybe I am, but you know what, baby?! You need help!
Columbia City Paper