Haleyscopes

Aires

The love of your life will ask you for the time of day… and then remember she has a watch and a clock on her cellphone and doesn’t need your sorry ass.

 

Aquarius

You will get into a tickle fight with Jesus and win! (Which is the same as losing).

 

Taurus

You will win a lot of money and blow it all on (invest it in) fleshlights.

 

Gemini

You will accidentally shoot your elderly friend in the face while hunting quail only to have him publicly apologize to you for causing you problems.

 

Cancer

You will totally rethink the confederate flag while taking a shower. The new flag will be something that everyone can feel proud of and does not inflict pain or anguish on anyone. By the time you’ve dried yourself off, you will forget it what it looked like.

 

Leo

You donate a lot of sperm and consequently increase the world’s population of angry, balding men with backne by .000001%

 

Virgo

You will buy a gun and it will be totally awesome because some robber will try to be like “gimme your money” and you’re going to be like “what’s up?” and he’s going to be like “please don’t kill me” and you’re going to be like: BLAM “I totally did.”

 

Libra

You will pimp your ride so hard that it will give you money it earned out on the street.

 

Pisces

Do not think you are alone. It is one of those things that goes unsaid. Most people moisten the paper with the water in the toilet to help with those five wipers.

 

Scorpio

Your cats will smother you to death in your sleep. You should have gotten a dog.

 

Sagittarius

A smoking hot Egyptian princess will send you an email asking for your help. Send her all your money.

 

Capricorn

You will get really excited about finding the two quarters that have been sitting under your car seat for months until you realize that you can’t buy shit with 50 cents anymore.

 

*Haleyscopes are not really written by Governor Haley