Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Letters to the reader

Dear Speaker Harrell,
Let’s see if we have this correct:  The South Carolina House of Representative intends to furlough itself for two weeks this legislative session, for a combined savings of $100,000 to the taxpayers of South Carolina.
This same body of elected ignoramuses tells us that, because it utterly refuses to raise revenue, the state must cut $829 million from its budget.
Do you know what one percent of $829 million is?  Answer:  $8.29 million.
How about one-tenth of one percent of $829 million?  Answer:  $829,000
One-hundredth of one percent of $829 million?  Answer:  $82,900.
In essence, what you’re telling citizens of the Palmetto State is that instead of your political madhouse putting its minds together and spending every waking moment this session trying to eke out a solution to saving vital services and jobs for South Carolinians—as this is the only legal body other than the State Senate which can bring about such change—you would rather patch one-hundredth of one percent of the total state budget crisis?
That’s what we call pissing in the ocean, and on the heads of your constituents.  But if the citizens of this state are stupid enough to buy your horseshit, then they deserve you 100%.
Columbia City Paper

Dear Dear General Assembly,
Instead of shutting down ETV, ETV Radio & NPR, and the S.C. Arts Commission, we have an alternate way to cuts millions from the state budget: donate your salaries and per diems –you’re all rich people anyway—in the name of public service. Think of the message that would send to the rest of the nation! After all, you’re holding office due to your unwavering commitment to public service and not because it’s a business connection or glorified fraternity for Palmetto State blue bloods. Right? Wink, wink.
Instead of Haley paying members of her staff six figures a pop, maybe notch that down to the $40,000 range. In fact, set that as a flat rate for all your staffs, both in the House and Senate and the various boards and committees. What do you call it on the stump? “Tightening our belts?” At least 54 employees of the Budget and Control board –not surprisingly—make over $90,000 per year. Cut them down to 40k and you’d save us $2.6 million right there. Oh and either get on private health insurance policies or go without health insurance all together, like the rest of us. All told you could save our state, what, tens of millions a year? Plus, you would go down as one of the most saintly legislative bodies in the history of our country. I think we can do this!
...Hey? Where’d you all go?
Columbia City Paper


Dear “May 21, 2011 - Judgment Day” Christians,
So, that gives us, what, a little under four months? And how do you spend it? By blowing your load on car signage and pamphlets? If you really believe the end is coming you should quit your job, max out your credit cards, and spend at least three of those months with a grab bag of hot bi-sexual escorts, geeked out on horse stimulant and Ecstasy. That still gives you a full month to ask forgiveness before the big day (and is well before the collection agencies some calling on that credit card bill). Heck, if the drugs and women happen to last, you can ratchet the forgiveness campaign down to May 15, easy. And if Jesus doesn’t show, well, you stepped out of your bizarre fantasy world and actually lived.
Of course, if you really wanted to stand behind the Armageddon predictions you people tend to make every decade or so, you’d put your Kool Aid where your mouth is this time and announce a peaceful, good old fashioned suicide pact. Maybe argue, as we do, that it’s not suicide if the Bible foretold it –after all, you’re just fulfilling prophecy and using your hand as God’s own instrument. The Heavens Gate cult at least strapped on those Nikes and stuck to their guns. You 2011 assholes can’t just go on national news claiming that the universe will be torn asunder before next football season and then shrug when nothing happens. If you’ve got the balls to ride around town with that type of signage on your mini van, you’ve got the balls to take a few dozen sleeping pills.
Columbia City Paper

Dear Mayor Benjamin,
We appreciate and support your desire to revamp our bus system. We truly do. It’s a vital service. But, have you ever spent an hour at the main terminal on Sumter and Laurel? The hardworking folks waiting on the bus are under siege from a bio-diverse cross section of bums of every possible description or quirk –and that’s before the local jail vans arrive to dump out the day’s convicts. It’s like The Walking Dead down there. Equipping the busses with Wi-Fi is great. (Truly.) But if you can’t do something about the wino taking a dump in the aisle, the public transit stigma in Columbia is stuck in Park.

Columbia City Paper
Dear stray cat,
Sure, my girlfriend fed you once, but that doesn’t give you license to spray in my recycling bin and disembowel birds on my lawn, man! You’ve got to earn my tolerance for behavior like that. So, either man up and suffer my clumsy attempt to pet you or shove off for the dumpster down the street.
Columbia City Paper

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