Thursday, December 2, 2010

Fleshlight Reviewed

How I Fell In Love With My Night Light

I love to masturbate. Who doesn’t? (Pope Benedict, that’s who.) But for everyone else, it’s a cure-all. Stress, anxiety, depression -- masturbate! I can masturbate in a myriad of ways, even while juggling chainsaws. I prefer a lubricant, preferably K-Y, but Jergens is fine. In a pinch, I’ll use Aquafresh or even dry rub. But for a dry rub, I prefer the two fingers at the bottom of the shaft. A whole-hand dry rub makes for too much chafing and reminds me of my junior prom night. Then, while surfing the Internet for porn, I discovered male masturbation aids. Really. These exist. The king of this industry is the Fleshlight. This thing looks like a Mag, but it’s really a vag.  Instead of a bulb and lens at the end, it offers a sexual orifice.  One can choose vagina, mouth or anus.  I own a vagina Fleshlight, because I’m a traditionalist--but I have to admit if they ever make a Jenny McCarthy navel Fleshlight, I’m whipping it out--my wallet, that is. The back story goes something like this:  Man craves sex.  Man’s wife can’t have sex temporarily, then ultimately leaves him for the UPS guy.  Man tires of his right hand, then tires of his left hand, and soon figures that it’s nearly impossible to yank one’s chain with his feet.  Man invents Fleshlight in his garage. Man gets patent, which was for -- no joke -- “device for discreet semen collection.”  The rest is lucrative male sex aid history. Lets face it, without this aid you end up filling the belly ice tray every night and your favorite shirt is ruined from crusty stains that are so bad that you try to convince your friends and family you are the world’s messiest eater.   Before they put you on a feeding tube, consider the alternative:  Vaginal Simulacrum in a Pringles can. You can purchase a Fleshlight from many places, ranging from adult websites to (Do not buy those Fleshlight knockoffs down at the Dollar Store.  You get what you pay for; the mold was fashioned after an ugly downtown Cleveland cleaning lady.) I purchased my Fleshlight on Amazon because, well, I didn’t like the idea of a package arriving at my doorstep with the return label reading, “” Again, as I said, I’m a traditionalist. So I bought a pink-flesh pussy Fleshlight. On Amazon, it was $44. But if you’re a man of variety, you have many Fleshlight options, including Fleshlights designed to copy porn star “assets.” (Ever want to stick your dick in Jenna Haze’s “asset”?  Fleshlight is your man--I mean, discreet semen-collecting lady of the night.) The day my Fleshlight arrived, I opened the box to discover a nicely decorated metal cylinder, like something a fancy-schmancy fruity Vodka might be sold in. I didn’t even bother to read the directions. Fucking comes innately, if you know what I mean.  I popped in the batteries and some classic porn: Peter North slams Nina Hartley.  Several hours later, when I had advanced to Big Hand, Red Butt Bulgaria, Volume XIX, I found myself still sweatily banging the hell out of a black flashlight with a twat for a tip. You’re all dying to know.

What does it feel like?  One word:  FUCKING FUN.  (Okay, maybe that’s two words.)  For fellow Fleshlight users, you’ll know what I mean when I say closing the bottom cap provides a sucking sensation, meant to mimic being inside a woman. I’ll be honest:  Fleshlight isn’t a pussy replacement by any means.  In fact, when I was lying on my back, the Fleshlight fake skin material began falling out toward my dick (like a roast beef curtain call), as if I were fucking some senior citizen whose octogenarian pussy hangs at her knees. The other user problem is a tube in the middle of the Fleshlight skin, toward the bottom, which I imagine is intended to give the device some internal stability--or perhaps is meant to replicate an absentminded girlfriend who accidentally left her tampon in her twat before succumbing to coitus.  It’s uncomfortable after the seventh straight hour of use. Anyway, it’s definitely another Dicks Up favorable review.  Sorry to cut it short, but I gotta go.  My 15-minute break is up, and I hear Nikki a’callin’.  That’s right; I named her after you know who! Available at Nancy's Nook and other similar retailers


  1. This is an amazing piece. Everyone was talking about it at the bar last night. It makes me want a bristol fleshlight.

  2. Erm, you are supposed to remove that tube ... :D

    "Fleshlight sleeves are shipped with plastic rods inside to maintain product form. You must remove this before using your new Fleshlight or you may suffer a painful mid-tunnel collision!"

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