Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Letters to the reader: Dear Joe Wilson,

Dear Joe Wilson,

Even a second-rate quasi politico like me knows that taking on Rob Miller in any way concerning the armed services is a losing battle. You need to just take your lumps on the charges that your traveling expenses have gotten out of hand. To say that you were dodging mortar fire while visiting troops in Afghanistan is probably particularly insulting to Miller, who actually served with the Marines in Iraq. Not to take away from your service in the National Guard during peacetime, Joe, but to be fair, Rob Miller went through Marine boot camp at Parris Island and did full combat tours in Mosul and Fallujah.

Retired U.S. Army Lt. General, Claudia Kennedy, put it more succinctly: “It’s disgusting that Congressman Wilson would imply he put his life in danger on a congressional junket, especially since he hasn’t served a day in combat.” If you don’t want to insult other veterans, in my layman’s opinion, just buy a hard hat from a costume shop, rent some dirty work boots for the next week and answer “jobs” to every question.

Columbia City Paper

Dear Mayor Benjamin,

You recently announced that you’re pulling back from the press. Please, baby, don’t go. This thing we have has been a whirlwind, we know. It got too hot, baby. Too hot and too heavy too early. You need some space, we understand that. Some time to clear your head. But, don’t leave us! Don’t put our coverage up on a shelf! Every time we hear your voice on Channel 2 (sniffle) ...sorry, we just can’t do this right now. We caught ourselves sniffing one of your shirts the other day, recalling that one City Council meeting we had and –damn it, Steve, you couldn’t wait to do this until after the holidays?! We were supposed to have dinner with my parents!

Look we’re sorry. We’ll keep your toothbrush in the newsroom, okay? Take some time, but please, baby, just say you’ll take us back.

Columbia City Paper

Dear urinal conversation guy,

No offense, but I’m kinda in the middle of something. Let’s talk about the Gamecocks back at the bar. The next round’s on me if you just let me finish because I’m starting to clam up here and it stings. And, stop trying to make eye contact, dude, that’s really creepy.

Columbia City Paper

Dear 1980s rock video,

I’m not sure how the 50-year-old lead guitar player went from a white Don Johnson suit on a sailboat in the Bahamas to being chased by the KGB in London, but I’ll go with it. (Though, it detracts from the storyline to have those teenagers dance-fighting the elderly in the street with hot pink and turquoise graphics floating around onscreen.) ...Okay, and now there’s an Annie Lennox clone in a body suit slamming herself against a mirror, while the singer smokes a cigarette and weeps in a corner? This just doesn’t make any sense!

Columbia City Paper

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