Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Letters to the reader 10/7


Dear University of Southern California,

You’ve tried to do away with “USC” gear for the Gamecocks and now you just won a suit over the interlocking “SC” logo, too? Can we maybe have the “South” part of South Carolina, even though they’re the first few letters of “Southern”? Would that be okay? Oh, and we could really use “University” too, with you’re permission. Hopefully, you haven’t found a way to copyright that and sue the rest of the nation. Speaking of legal trouble, it seems like you folks have way bigger fish to fry these days in your athletics department. Why don’t you just switch your “S” to a more accurate “$” to depict Southern Cal athletics and we’ll call it a day?

Columbia City Paper


Dear City Council,

We appreciate your legitimate efforts to address teen violence in Five Points, but a city wide 11 p.m. curfew has fiasco written all over it, from potential civil rights issues all the way down to practical enforcement. That one idea about corralling them all in a city-sponsored teen night at Martin Luther King Jr. Park has been most accurately described in the CCP office as “channeling a fascist June Cleaver.” Maybe a curfew just for the Five Points area could work, similar to what Greenville does in its bar district; just one big nightly sweep like breaking up a large party. All that said, here’s our idea and it’s relatively cheap: install large bullhorn-like speakers on the light poles at every corner in Five Points and start blasting Air Supply’s Greatest Hits starting at 10:55 every night. Those teens will scurry like rats, guaranteed.

Columbia City Paper


Dear sweetie,

I’m still rattled from the conversation we had the other day. I asked if you still would have dated me if I was a primordial dwarf and your answers, frankly, planted a seed of doubt.

Me: “It would still be me. The same brain, same personality, same history, only I’d be two feet tall and talk in a high-pitched voice like an animated doll.”

You: “Uh-uh. No way!”

Me: “I still would’ve dated you. If you would have waddled up to me at the bar and tugged on my pant leg--”

You: “Yeah, right! You’re way too shallow.”

Me: “What if I contract some type of shrinking disorder now that we’re married?”

You: “Would EVERYTHING shrink?”

Me: “Theoretically.”

You: “Then you’re theoretically shit out of luck.”

How is a guy supposed to take that? ...Sweetie?

Columbia City Paper


Dear state legislators,

We would like to go on record in support of the legalization of pari-mutuel horse betting in South Carolina as put forth by an Aiken area thoroughbred owner. He believes it would bring in more money than the lottery. To say nothing of tourism dollars. In reality, it would probably flop. We just want the spectacle. Men with mint juleps and cigars clucking around in white suits, ladies in large sun hats and white gloves, while the poor and desperate in the cheap seats wring crumpled betting tickets in their hands, praying that baby’s formula money isn’t lost on James Henry Hammond’s Lap Dance in the fourth race.

Instead of pimping our state out to the nuclear waste industry, we should oust the businessmen pretending to be moralists in the State House, get some real businessmen in there and give this gambling thing a shot. Heck, why stop there? Churches get a tax break; the way we see it, they’re just getting in the way of progress and not even contributing to the state treasury, to boot! Vice, dear legislators, is where the money is. After setting up the horse tracks, we could ease up on our state’s beloved prostitutes, legalize them, health screen them, and tax the crap out of them. From there we look ahead to windswept acres of tax-rich hemp and marijuana fields where tobacco once grew. If you tax vice, gentlemen, the deficit would be gone in a single term and we would have one of the most vibrant state economies on the eastern seaboard. ...We’re just sayin’.

Columbia City Paper


CORRECTION:

Last week, Aaron Johnson’s Op-Ed piece entitled “So You Want to Ruin a Community?” incorrectly stated that the art work “Busted Plug Plaza” was publicly funded [referred to in the story as “the Blue Sky fire hydrant”]. In fact, the fire hydrant piece and all of Blue Sky’s work has been privately funded, so far, according to a spokesperson for the artist. City Paper regrets the oversight.

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