Thursday, April 22, 2010

Dear Tea Party militia groups,

Dear “anti-government,” right wing nut jobs,
Can you please give a class on public relations to the anti-government, left wing nut jobs? Short of the WTO riot in Seattle, leftist protesters received little to no real media attention during the reign of the Bush Administration, unarguably the slimiest gaggle of perverts to ever befoul Capitol Hill. How did the left blow that?
Meanwhile, you guys have some idiot doctor who posts a sign in his office refusing to treat people who voted for Obama and viola! He’s having a serious discussion with Anderson Cooper. You hold absurd roadside vigils in powdered wigs: Instant media circus. It’s uncanny. That type coverage is giving you dipshits a false sense of legitimacy, without fairly giving a false sense of legitimacy to other dipshits who, say, sing to trees or protest soap. We’d just like to see some balance is all we’re saying.
Columbia City Paper

Dear Mayor Bob,
We can’t believe you’re moving out, man! Dang... the ‘Hall won’t be the same. Well, listen, throw in a twelve pack and couple of pizzas and we’ll bring over the van to help you move. Maybe have a few laughs and top shelf the mayor-elect on our way out the door. Oh, and let us know if you decide to put that foldout couch and your shoebox full of ska cassettes on the curb. We’ll take ‘em.
Columbia City Paper

Seasons Greetings All,
We’ve been dreaming of a yellow spring! Laughing gaily as we fall back to make pollen angels in the front yard; yelling and sneezing through fluffy pollen ball fights in the park; steaming mugs of warm Benadryl by the hearth, our eyes swollen red slits, while itchy tears cut clear rivulets down our cracked and dusty yellow faces....
Just kill me, man. Please.
Columbia City Paper

Dear Tea Party militia groups,
Well, you’ve all gathered here with your firearms and muskets to fend off the evils of an overreaching federal government that wants to… keep large insurance corporations from swindling you. And, this is all about the Second Amendment and individual freedom, right? Now, before you lay siege to your local federal building, all of you who are or were Republican voters within in the last decade, please raise your hands. All of you? Interesting.
Since this militia is, as you say, based on protecting freedom and the Constitution, why didn’t you arm yourselves when the Republican president you elected started illegally wire tapping your phones and repealed Habeas Corpus, your basic human right to not be detained by the government without a trial? From where I’m sitting, a president who actually repealed the cornerstone of the Fifth Amendment and essentially reestablished 13th Century law in a modern Western country has infringed on your individual freedom and, I daresay, wiped his ass with the Bill of Rights. You guys seemed pretty cool with that at the time.
Just something to chew on while you morons are playing your flutes and drums and marching in time toward Washington.
Columbia City Paper

1 comment:

  1. Not to mention the silence when there was an illegal war without a declaration from congress, and an administration justifying torture.

    It is a joke really b/c most of these tea baggers voted for the guy that destroyed this country and now want to take on the guy trying to fix it.

    It is funny how they are ok with the previous president bombing children and against the one that wants to protect them with healthcare.

    Tea baggers are sick and against fundamental freedoms.