Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Letters to the reader

Dear wives,

Researchers recently found that moderate beer consumption may strengthen bones and help fight osteoporosis. We’re not sharing this groundbreaking data because osteoporosis occurs primarily in women. Nope, we’re taking a long moment to gloat after having toiled for centuries under the weight of your nagging! That’s right! A couple of brews is actually good for you! Oh, and this is the best part, ladies: you can continue to sip your diet cola and point out our beer guts. A study also found that drinking just two cans of soda per week could double your risk of pancreatic cancer. I’ll take a belly and man tits over that any day of the week, baby! BOOM! Done! See you at Louie’s.

Columbia City Paper

Dear Cupid,

Could you please help RNC Chairman, Michael Steele, get laid this year? When we got his email about GOP-themed Valentines Day cards, we started to worry. Granted, some of them are actually pretty witty and take jabs at anyone from Al Fraken to Acorn. But, if your relationship --scratch that-- if your life has gotten to the point where your idea of romance comes with Joe Biden’s mug and a bad pun attached, well ...actually not even an ancient Roman love god can help.

Columbia City Paper


Dear GOP,

Well, well, look at the Tea Party folks, now. Looks like your Frankenstein’s monster has escaped the lab and is now running amok in the village. The spectacle you guys created for a couple of weeks worth of sound bytes now considers itself a de facto party in the Conservative movement and has traded the Samuel Adams costume for a power suit and red neck tie.

“I am alone and miserable; man will not associate with me; but one as deformed and horrible as myself would not deny herself to me,” the monster says. “My companion must be of the same species and have the same defects. This being you must create.”

Thus, Sarah Palin appeared on TV at the Tea Party convention. ...And now there are two! Brah-hah-ha-ha!!!

Columbia City Paper


Dear waving restaurant baby,

Yes, we see you. Everyone in our section sees you. You’re not exactly subtle. Listen, I’m trying to coax my date into the hot tub after dinner and you’re blowing it for me. Somehow you’ve captivated everyone else, but I see right through it. ...There you go again. I’ve been waving for 33 years, asshole! See! Why isn’t anyone looking at me?!

...Did I just yell that out loud? I did? Great.

Columbia City Paper

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