Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Letters To The Reader: Dear Snuggies,

Dear office fitness presentation,
Fellow staffers, glancing around the room while we’re sitting through this mandatory fitness presentation, I’ll concede that we aren’t the healthiest group. Yes, our anemic skin may look even pastier under these fluorescent conference room lights, crumbs from the complementary crullers dotting these handouts of little cartoon vegetables doing exercises. And, sure, I may be having a hard time hearing the presentation on fitness and diabetes over the labored wheezing of the new guy in accounting. But, is it just me or is the health professional giving this presentation fatter than anyone here?
Columbia City Paper

Dear Henry McMaster,
Having already endorsed the Christian “I Believe” S.C. state license plates, which were recently ruled unconstitutional by a federal judge, you recently released a campaign video in which you pledged to protect religious freedom. Specifically, you cited a case in which you represented the town of Great Falls when a Wiccan woman and the ACLU sued the town opening town council meetings with a Christian prayer.
“If the ACLU sues you, call me up,” you said. “We'll defend you.”
A couple of quick questions: One, are the people of S.C. actually expected to tolerate a state attorney general –let alone a potential governor—who vows to counter the separation of church and state as championed by a civil liberties organization? And if it’s really about religious freedom –and not just the freedom for people to only practice your religion—wouldn’t you have to defend even the rights of Wiccans?
Columbia City Paper

Dear Sen. Lindsay Graham,
I can’t believe I’m actually writing this, but bravo, sir! By actually vowing to set partisanship aside on a forthcoming climate bill and to work with legislators on both sides of the aisle in Washington, you look a shade saner in the national sphere and, as an added bonus, have royally pissed off your GOP buddies back here at home. Republicans in Charleston County actually claimed that your “bipartisanship continues to weaken the Republican brand and tarnish the ideals of freedom, rule of law and fiscal conservatism.” We always suspected that the Republican “brand” opposed bipartisanship. Thanks for clearing that up.
Columbia City Paper

snuggieDear Snuggies,
My wife and I were sick and tired of our “18th Century Indian woman seduces Imperial British Officer” sex game and it began to affect our love life. But we packed away the sarong and my white powdered wig, bought a couple of Snuggies and have been happily playing “fallen monks” ever since. We’re back on track! Thanks for such a wonderful product, Snuggies.
Columbia City Paper

Dear TV buffs,
Ignore the unsubstantiated chatter online about a “BJ and the Bear” reunion. It will never happen. Not that an entire generation wouldn’t love to revisit those childhood dreams of living out of a big rig and getting into adventures with a pet chimp; dropping witty one-liners during fistfights in roadside diner parking lots while swooning waitresses watched from safely behind the counter; maybe bust through a roadblock or two while outwitting corrupt highway patrol smokies. But, you could only do the show justice by using the actual chimp who played The Bear. And we all know domesticated chimps go nuts when they reach adulthood. It just wouldn’t be the same if he pulled off BJ’s scrotum in an in-cab territory dispute.
Columbia City Paper

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