Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Zips

Crimes By Zip Code

We’d love to correlate random isolated incidents of people going ape shit in the streets with the growing paranoia of an economic downturn and rapid rate of home foreclosures across a frightened American middleclass landscape, but unfortunately sometimes it’s probably just a case of too much crack cocaine...



29205
A 27-year-old man walks by a 20-year-old man and says, “Excuse me,” to which the younger lad responds, “I bet you are.” Not to be outwitted, the 27-year-old comes back five minutes later with his own line: “You know this guy?” “What guy?” Bam!— punch to the mouth. That guy. It may be funny, but it’s also assault; 2000 block Devine Street.

29203
Hard times on Harbison: After an argument in a parking lot, a 25-year-old Harbison hard ass grabs a set of brass knuckles from his car and returns to beat the absolute shit out of an 18-year-old man, knocking him unconscious for several minutes, opening up his face with lacerations and soaking his shirt with blood. He took so many shots to the head that when he woke up he couldn’t remember what happened— his friends had to tell him; 300 block Harbison Blvd.

29201
Those kids and their drugs: A 30-year-old man tells cops this week that he found a “small bag of green plant material” – OK, a bag of weed –in the management building of the Carolina Children’s Home; 3200 block Trenholm Road.

29212
A 25-year-old woman checks into a local no-tell motel but realizes when she checks out that she’d left behind a sleek-looking little device that you hold in your hand. No, no, it’s not what you’re thinking— the lady left behind a handgun. A brief search of the room with the hotel manager doesn’t turn up the weapon, which she swears she left under the covers; 1100 block Kinley Road.

29201
A 21-year-old man is loitering at the bus stop and commuters are starting to get sketched out. He’s also, according to witnesses, “doing something with his hands” that “might be drugs.” A cop shows up, gives him 20 minutes to vamoose and when he doesn’t the cop tries to arrest him. We say “tries” only because the man flips out, screams racist epithets and requires witnesses at the bus stop to help the officer handcuff his ass and eventually haul him off to jail on charges of loitering, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. Yeah, we know, slow day at the donut shop; 1200 block Laurel Street.

29203
A 35-year-old man goes bizerk after an altercation involving money. By the time cops show up he’s ramped up and yelling at a woman. As she leaves, the crazed man winds up with a coffee mug in his hand and lets loose, smashing the windshield of her car; 37 block Main Street.

29201
Taxation without representation? It’s no Boston Tea Party, but one man or woman took it into their own hands to turn City of Columbia parking meter #122 into their own personal piñata, obliterating it all to hell and stealing the money that was inside; 1000 block Assembly Street.

29201
Maybe one parking meter wasn’t enough, the thrill of the smash-and-grab just too high. But five meters in another location where also victimized, vandalized and— just for the mental picture— we’re saying sodomized. All told under $500 in damage was accumulated; 700 block Assembly Street.

29203
Going down swingin’: The 41-year-old man who officers where trying to arrest for drunkenness wouldn’t go down with out a fight. Twisting and turning, and apparently swinging haymakers, the man caught one of the cops in the mouth and chipped his tooth; 3800 block Shaw Street.

29201
Bust of the week: A cop sees a 33-year-old man drinking what appears to be a 22-ounce can of malt liquor in public and when the guy sees the cop he tosses it. Fair enough. But not on these streets, ladies and gentlemen, we don’t tolerate that sort of blatant terrorism of the system. The cop “made contact” with the man and “recovered the can.” Not wanting any internal affairs investigations after all the hoopla over the State Troopers here, the officer made sure to “tag” the can and send it to the property room; 800 block Assembly Street.

29201
We’d love to correlate random isolated incidents of people going ape shit in the streets with the growing paranoia of an economic downturn and rapid rate of home foreclosures across a frightened American middleclass landscape, but unfortunately sometimes it’s probably just a case of too much crack cocaine, too much booze and too little to do on a Friday afternoon. Either way, another 28-year-old man wigs out at the bus station and armed uniformed officers have to take him down, kicking and screaming, in front of a group of people. It’s good to see that kind of thing every once in a while. Keeps you on your toes; 1200 block Laurel Street.

29212
CRASH! That’s the sound of a vending machine being smashed open in the lobby of a business. When a 24-year-old woman went to check on it though, there was no one around the shattered glass and scattered merchandise surrounding the machine. The kicker has got to be when the cops show up the only charge they can come up with is “malicious injury to animals, $1,000 or less;” 1100 block Kinley Road.

29204
A 31-year-old woman tells police that an argument with her 35-year-old boyfriend got out of hand when he wrapped her up in a bear hug and threw her on the couch. This behavior continued, she says, back in the bedroom, where they tussled over a cell phone causing injury to her middle finger. Sounds “unsafe.” Spitzer jokes, anyone?

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