This here is the story of a man, a powerful man who run the whole dang country for a while, then, not too long ago, he jusâ€™ up and disappeared; his name was Deadeye Dick Cheney.
He was born on the great plains of the Midwest. Some say his fatherâ€™s name was Richard, others say it was Lucifer. Ainâ€™t a soul around who knows for sureâ€¦â€™ceptin maybe Lucifer. Soon after beinâ€™ born, Deadeye found hisself in the Wyoming terror-tories. There he grew into a fine young man who flunked out of Yale and had few run-ins with Johnny-law for driving his automobile after taking a nip or two.
He come outta that mess with a clear head and when it came time serve his country and fight the godless commies, he told Uncle Sam he had other prioritiesâ€¦ five times.
Eventually he had to serve somewhere (the someone ainâ€™t quite so clear), so got hisself elected to Congress and served there a while. But olâ€™ Deadeye wasnâ€™t a fella who thought small and being a congressmen was small potatoes. So he worked his way up.
He got hisself a job with â€œDoubtinâ€™â€ Donnie Rumsfeld. (Donnie was called â€œDoubtinâ€ â€˜cause he doubted anyone but hisself knew anything.) Ya see, Doubtinâ€™ Donnie was already a member of the Fumblinâ€™ Ford Gang, and when the big boss found hisself running the whole dang show, well, there was olâ€™ Deadeye in the thick of things.
That come to an end, and the next thing ya know, Deadeye is working for Big Daddy H?Dubya, whose could trace hisself back to the dang Pilgrims or some such thing. These were fellas who knew the business of governinâ€™ and Deadeye was now amongst â€˜em.
Deadeye helped olâ€™ H-Dubya do all sorts of things, like planninâ€™ wars and such. Even back in the Daddy H-Dubya days, Deadeye had ideas about transmogrifyinâ€™ the desert into somethinâ€™ useful like Texas. But he also knowed when to hold â€˜em, so he stopped our boys from marchinâ€™ too far and gettingâ€™ all bogged down and the like.
Then, without no one askinâ€™, Deadeye was chucked out on his ear â€˜cause a new fella took over and he didnâ€™t have no use for olâ€™ Deadeye.
Deadeye wandered for a long time, doing little jobs here and there with some new fellas called Hallie and Burton. They robbed a few banks and the like, just doinâ€™ this â€˜n that to get by, all the while bidinâ€™ his time.
Then, as these things go, Daddy H-Dubyaâ€™s boy, simple olâ€™ Dubya, (if you was to talk to him just once youâ€™d know why they call him â€˜simpleâ€™), who couldnâ€™t do mucha anything else, up and decides to be President of the United States. Well, presidents need vice presidents and simple Dubya asks Deadeye to help him find oneâ€”and Deadeye does; he finds his own self.
Now Deadeye got the run of the place and ainâ€™t no one can tell him what to do or when to do it. Right off, he gets a buncha money for his friends and right after that he goes and invades that country that he invaded back in Daddy H-Dubya days. But, this time, he donâ€™t take his own counsel and marches them boys right into the middle a things. And man-oh-man did he make a mess. Some folks reckon itâ€™ll take years to fix it, others up and say it plain canâ€™t be fixed and we should just get on home. Either way, olâ€™ Deadeye backed the wrong horse.
For a fella who always seemed to be in the right place at the time, he sure was wrong a lot. Fact is, olâ€™ Deadeye has been pretty much dead wrong on just about everything heâ€™s done as the Number 2 man. Not that he cared, I mean to say Deadeye got his and everyone was else was left to suck hind tit. But other folks started to care and real quiet like, Deadeye up and disappears.
Last I hear tell, heâ€™s holed up somewhere in the desert, sneakinâ€™ in and sneakin out so as not to let folks know what heâ€™s up to. I even hear they got him a big new office in one aâ€™ them deserts over there.
Oh, and as for that name, Deadeye; no one knows how he come by it, but Iâ€™ll bet that story is a humdinger.